an·tin·o·my
anˈtinəmē/
noun
- A contradiction between two beliefs or conclusions that are in themselves reasonable; a paradox.
And this is where I find myself these days. Staring down the barrels of a metaphorical double barreled shotgun. One of these paths leads me to keep the status quo and lets me hold on to my nearly lifelong dream of a relationship with B (which as I awaken from a deep slumber I'm seeing as more and more one sided) and miss an opportunity that I never thought I'd get; that of a chance of relationship with W. I fell hard for W 35 years ago and simultaneously gave up on that dream for reasons already covered elsewhere in this blog.
A year after meeting W I met and fell even harder for B. Through the years B and I maintained our friendship and status as occasional lovers. And I think this more than anything is what kept me coming back to B. She was there for me and I for her, and I truly loved her. I really wanted to be with her.
W & I on the other drifted in and out of each other's lives, neither of of us knowing what the other felt. Our friendship on occasion drifted closer, but never had a chance to really explore what it could be until the last 6 months or so. Talking with her almost daily about things both deep and shallow, Spending what little time together we could both manage to steal from what our lives and 100 miles distance allowed showed me a person who would willingly be up for pretty much anything I wanted to do. And as I've always been pretty willing to do what my partner likes/wants to do this represents no big change for me. Whatever W wants to do, I'm game for.
It's refreshing for me to date someone who has very strong ideas of things for us to do that are not run of the mill. One thing that we both want to do dates back all the way to the beginning of our friendship. We went on a date back in high school and saw Paddy Chayefsky's Altered States.
It was an interesting movie and after seeing it both of us wanted to go float in a isolation tank. We never got a chance to do it, but I've recently discovered that they are still a thing and with new technologies better than they were before. We're planning on going sometime in teh next couple of months (depending on schedules). Something I'd been waiting to do for 35 years is finally going to happen.
When I brought up the idea to her, W asked me if I'd gone in the intervening years. I hadn't. Even if anyone of my other partners had thought of the idea, I'd have declined. Not that I don't want to do it. I do. But I had always planned to do the isolation/float tank with W. No one else. I think it's going to be an interesting experience, and quite possibly the one I'm looking forward to the most.
But I once again digressed from my subject. Antinomy... What do I do? I am in love with both W and B. B has been my dream relationship and it's not what I expected it to be. But do any relationships ever turn out like we expect them? When I leave, Its going to hurt her terribly. I know she loves me. But I can't stay in the relationship the way it is,and she's shown very little progress in the areas that are problematic. Sex is still limited to once a week (if that) and she's still not doing anything to arouse me. Her boys are still sitting around the house not contributing to the running of it, and B is still not showing any interest in things that I do. When I move out, it's going to leave them homeless. Between the three of them they can't afford an apartment let alone anything else that living on your own requires. I'm trying to figure out how I live with myself after throwing the woman I've loved out on street.
W, on the other hand shows lots of interest in doing things with me. I can't really say anything about sex with her, since we haven't had any intimate contact beyond kissing since Oct. I have interest in doing things that she's interested in. We have tickets to see one of her favorite bands in May/June time frame. We're planning things to do and places to go. Now it is up the scheduling gods for us to go and do them.
I'm excited for the first time in a long time. I'll admit that a lot of this excitement is probably due to New Relationship Energy (NRE), and a lot of it due to my being thirsty for this kind of a connection for so long that I'm trying to take it all in at once.
I need to talk with a therapist I think.
W & I on the other drifted in and out of each other's lives, neither of of us knowing what the other felt. Our friendship on occasion drifted closer, but never had a chance to really explore what it could be until the last 6 months or so. Talking with her almost daily about things both deep and shallow, Spending what little time together we could both manage to steal from what our lives and 100 miles distance allowed showed me a person who would willingly be up for pretty much anything I wanted to do. And as I've always been pretty willing to do what my partner likes/wants to do this represents no big change for me. Whatever W wants to do, I'm game for.
It's refreshing for me to date someone who has very strong ideas of things for us to do that are not run of the mill. One thing that we both want to do dates back all the way to the beginning of our friendship. We went on a date back in high school and saw Paddy Chayefsky's Altered States.
It was an interesting movie and after seeing it both of us wanted to go float in a isolation tank. We never got a chance to do it, but I've recently discovered that they are still a thing and with new technologies better than they were before. We're planning on going sometime in teh next couple of months (depending on schedules). Something I'd been waiting to do for 35 years is finally going to happen.
When I brought up the idea to her, W asked me if I'd gone in the intervening years. I hadn't. Even if anyone of my other partners had thought of the idea, I'd have declined. Not that I don't want to do it. I do. But I had always planned to do the isolation/float tank with W. No one else. I think it's going to be an interesting experience, and quite possibly the one I'm looking forward to the most.
But I once again digressed from my subject. Antinomy... What do I do? I am in love with both W and B. B has been my dream relationship and it's not what I expected it to be. But do any relationships ever turn out like we expect them? When I leave, Its going to hurt her terribly. I know she loves me. But I can't stay in the relationship the way it is,and she's shown very little progress in the areas that are problematic. Sex is still limited to once a week (if that) and she's still not doing anything to arouse me. Her boys are still sitting around the house not contributing to the running of it, and B is still not showing any interest in things that I do. When I move out, it's going to leave them homeless. Between the three of them they can't afford an apartment let alone anything else that living on your own requires. I'm trying to figure out how I live with myself after throwing the woman I've loved out on street.
W, on the other hand shows lots of interest in doing things with me. I can't really say anything about sex with her, since we haven't had any intimate contact beyond kissing since Oct. I have interest in doing things that she's interested in. We have tickets to see one of her favorite bands in May/June time frame. We're planning things to do and places to go. Now it is up the scheduling gods for us to go and do them.
I'm excited for the first time in a long time. I'll admit that a lot of this excitement is probably due to New Relationship Energy (NRE), and a lot of it due to my being thirsty for this kind of a connection for so long that I'm trying to take it all in at once.
I need to talk with a therapist I think.
