It's four thirty in the morning and it looks like my god damn insomnia is back. It's been a long time since I've been up and unable to sleep, and I'm not happy. B's daughter gave birth on 4/11, two days after having her water break at her nephew's birthday party. It wasn't a big break, and the baby's head kind of sealed the tear, so the doctor had to further break the sack and labor commenced.
At forst I was wondering if I'd even be at the birth, b=due to N's not wanting me and her father in the same place at the same time. I don't know why, I have nothing against the man, and as far as I know he has nothing against me (especially considering that I've housed and taken care of his kids for the past seven years), but that's neither hear nor there, as he was out of town and I was in town.
The baby girl is adorable. Too bad I won't be here to see her nor her cousin grow up. When I picked B up from work last night/this morning she told me that she wants to step down from her supervisor role at work and just be a cashier Which would mean less hours for her. This a week after telling me that she wanted to help out more with the bills. I asked her about this and she didn't have an answer for the disparity nor how she's manage to pay more of the bills.
Her oldest son R. recently started a part time job, but I doubt that he's going to have any money to put towards household expenses once the state finds out he's working and takes their cut to pay his back child support not to mention the ongoing support (something he's not paid in two years due to being a lazy SOB and not working since he had his court battle against his ex for his parental rights.) He still owes the lawyer about 9,000 in fees as well.
I'm pissed at B for even thinking about cutting her hours when I wiped out my retirement and savings trying to pay all the bills for the past seven years alone. So couple putting even more pressure on me to find ever higher paying contracts/jobs to pay for adults who should be paying their own way, with the fact that I get little to no respect from two of the three kids I support, and a girlfriend who has no interest in anything that interests me and with whom I have very little in common with AND who restricts sex to once a week if I'm lucky and does nothing at all in the way of foreplay to arouse me during sex and I've reached my limit. Dwelling on this is why I'm awake at this ungodly hour.
I have a date with W this weekend and we get to spend the night together in an leisurely and hopefully romantic manner (I have no idea if sex is still a possibility since she had taken it off the table several months ago until she moves out of her un-boyfriend's place).
SIGH..... I hate moving. Such a pain in the ass.
Wednesday, April 12, 2017
Friday, February 3, 2017
Antinomy
an·tin·o·my
anˈtinəmē/
noun
- A contradiction between two beliefs or conclusions that are in themselves reasonable; a paradox.
And this is where I find myself these days. Staring down the barrels of a metaphorical double barreled shotgun. One of these paths leads me to keep the status quo and lets me hold on to my nearly lifelong dream of a relationship with B (which as I awaken from a deep slumber I'm seeing as more and more one sided) and miss an opportunity that I never thought I'd get; that of a chance of relationship with W. I fell hard for W 35 years ago and simultaneously gave up on that dream for reasons already covered elsewhere in this blog.
A year after meeting W I met and fell even harder for B. Through the years B and I maintained our friendship and status as occasional lovers. And I think this more than anything is what kept me coming back to B. She was there for me and I for her, and I truly loved her. I really wanted to be with her.
W & I on the other drifted in and out of each other's lives, neither of of us knowing what the other felt. Our friendship on occasion drifted closer, but never had a chance to really explore what it could be until the last 6 months or so. Talking with her almost daily about things both deep and shallow, Spending what little time together we could both manage to steal from what our lives and 100 miles distance allowed showed me a person who would willingly be up for pretty much anything I wanted to do. And as I've always been pretty willing to do what my partner likes/wants to do this represents no big change for me. Whatever W wants to do, I'm game for.
It's refreshing for me to date someone who has very strong ideas of things for us to do that are not run of the mill. One thing that we both want to do dates back all the way to the beginning of our friendship. We went on a date back in high school and saw Paddy Chayefsky's Altered States.
It was an interesting movie and after seeing it both of us wanted to go float in a isolation tank. We never got a chance to do it, but I've recently discovered that they are still a thing and with new technologies better than they were before. We're planning on going sometime in teh next couple of months (depending on schedules). Something I'd been waiting to do for 35 years is finally going to happen.
When I brought up the idea to her, W asked me if I'd gone in the intervening years. I hadn't. Even if anyone of my other partners had thought of the idea, I'd have declined. Not that I don't want to do it. I do. But I had always planned to do the isolation/float tank with W. No one else. I think it's going to be an interesting experience, and quite possibly the one I'm looking forward to the most.
But I once again digressed from my subject. Antinomy... What do I do? I am in love with both W and B. B has been my dream relationship and it's not what I expected it to be. But do any relationships ever turn out like we expect them? When I leave, Its going to hurt her terribly. I know she loves me. But I can't stay in the relationship the way it is,and she's shown very little progress in the areas that are problematic. Sex is still limited to once a week (if that) and she's still not doing anything to arouse me. Her boys are still sitting around the house not contributing to the running of it, and B is still not showing any interest in things that I do. When I move out, it's going to leave them homeless. Between the three of them they can't afford an apartment let alone anything else that living on your own requires. I'm trying to figure out how I live with myself after throwing the woman I've loved out on street.
W, on the other hand shows lots of interest in doing things with me. I can't really say anything about sex with her, since we haven't had any intimate contact beyond kissing since Oct. I have interest in doing things that she's interested in. We have tickets to see one of her favorite bands in May/June time frame. We're planning things to do and places to go. Now it is up the scheduling gods for us to go and do them.
I'm excited for the first time in a long time. I'll admit that a lot of this excitement is probably due to New Relationship Energy (NRE), and a lot of it due to my being thirsty for this kind of a connection for so long that I'm trying to take it all in at once.
I need to talk with a therapist I think.
W & I on the other drifted in and out of each other's lives, neither of of us knowing what the other felt. Our friendship on occasion drifted closer, but never had a chance to really explore what it could be until the last 6 months or so. Talking with her almost daily about things both deep and shallow, Spending what little time together we could both manage to steal from what our lives and 100 miles distance allowed showed me a person who would willingly be up for pretty much anything I wanted to do. And as I've always been pretty willing to do what my partner likes/wants to do this represents no big change for me. Whatever W wants to do, I'm game for.
It's refreshing for me to date someone who has very strong ideas of things for us to do that are not run of the mill. One thing that we both want to do dates back all the way to the beginning of our friendship. We went on a date back in high school and saw Paddy Chayefsky's Altered States.
It was an interesting movie and after seeing it both of us wanted to go float in a isolation tank. We never got a chance to do it, but I've recently discovered that they are still a thing and with new technologies better than they were before. We're planning on going sometime in teh next couple of months (depending on schedules). Something I'd been waiting to do for 35 years is finally going to happen.
When I brought up the idea to her, W asked me if I'd gone in the intervening years. I hadn't. Even if anyone of my other partners had thought of the idea, I'd have declined. Not that I don't want to do it. I do. But I had always planned to do the isolation/float tank with W. No one else. I think it's going to be an interesting experience, and quite possibly the one I'm looking forward to the most.
But I once again digressed from my subject. Antinomy... What do I do? I am in love with both W and B. B has been my dream relationship and it's not what I expected it to be. But do any relationships ever turn out like we expect them? When I leave, Its going to hurt her terribly. I know she loves me. But I can't stay in the relationship the way it is,and she's shown very little progress in the areas that are problematic. Sex is still limited to once a week (if that) and she's still not doing anything to arouse me. Her boys are still sitting around the house not contributing to the running of it, and B is still not showing any interest in things that I do. When I move out, it's going to leave them homeless. Between the three of them they can't afford an apartment let alone anything else that living on your own requires. I'm trying to figure out how I live with myself after throwing the woman I've loved out on street.
W, on the other hand shows lots of interest in doing things with me. I can't really say anything about sex with her, since we haven't had any intimate contact beyond kissing since Oct. I have interest in doing things that she's interested in. We have tickets to see one of her favorite bands in May/June time frame. We're planning things to do and places to go. Now it is up the scheduling gods for us to go and do them.
I'm excited for the first time in a long time. I'll admit that a lot of this excitement is probably due to New Relationship Energy (NRE), and a lot of it due to my being thirsty for this kind of a connection for so long that I'm trying to take it all in at once.
I need to talk with a therapist I think.
Wednesday, January 18, 2017
Finally a good couple of weeks
It looks like things are starting to turn around for me. Finally. After a crappy end of 2016 and even shittier start to 2017, things are looking up. W is talking with me again and we have a date set up for this coming Friday 1/20/2017. The day democracy dies in the USA. What do I care? I'm going to be in the Microsoft Theater in Downtown L.A. watching Blazing Saddles and hearing a Q&A session with the legendary Mel Brooks. What a fitting way to spend Trump's inauguration day.
And if that's not enough two more pieces of good news this week, first, even though I scored a new contract after 4 months or so of unemployment back in Dec of 2016, I knew the money wasn't enough to accomplish what I need to do to move out. So a client I turned down last Sept. while I was working on getting hired for a full time direct position that got pulled at the last minute in year end budget cuts, came back and wanted to know if I was still interested. The rate is almost 50% over what I'm currently making + travel expenses and I said yes. I reinterviewed and got the offer for the position.
So it looks like for the first time in a decade I'm going to a road warrior again. That's the primary downside. The extra money will allow me to pay off my debt and put money back into my now depleted retirement account. Who knows, I might be able to buy a couple of things for W. I do know that I'm going to fly her out to my work location as often as she allows me to.
And to top it off, last night I went to an interesting event that I never expected to see in my lifetime. One of my favorite composers/electronic musicians had a Q&A and signing for his new CD in L.A. there he announced a North American concert tour, including a final show in L.A. Considering that Jean Michel Jarre has only played one concert in the US back in 1986 in Houston, this is something I never thought I'd experience unless I flew to Europe to see him play. Nope I will get to see him here in So. Cal.
Here's a piece from the album Rendez-Vous entitled Last Rendez-Vous (Ron's Piece). It's one of my favorites and one reason is that the late astronaut Ron McNair was supposed to play this piece from space for the Houston concert. unfortunately he died along with the rest of the crew of the Space Shuttle Challenger when it blew up shortly after launch.
<iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/jtGG1WLP1pk" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
So now with all the good fortune happening around me, I'm looking pensively around corners looking for the "Gotcha" that inevitably follows my good fortune.
And if that's not enough two more pieces of good news this week, first, even though I scored a new contract after 4 months or so of unemployment back in Dec of 2016, I knew the money wasn't enough to accomplish what I need to do to move out. So a client I turned down last Sept. while I was working on getting hired for a full time direct position that got pulled at the last minute in year end budget cuts, came back and wanted to know if I was still interested. The rate is almost 50% over what I'm currently making + travel expenses and I said yes. I reinterviewed and got the offer for the position.
So it looks like for the first time in a decade I'm going to a road warrior again. That's the primary downside. The extra money will allow me to pay off my debt and put money back into my now depleted retirement account. Who knows, I might be able to buy a couple of things for W. I do know that I'm going to fly her out to my work location as often as she allows me to.
And to top it off, last night I went to an interesting event that I never expected to see in my lifetime. One of my favorite composers/electronic musicians had a Q&A and signing for his new CD in L.A. there he announced a North American concert tour, including a final show in L.A. Considering that Jean Michel Jarre has only played one concert in the US back in 1986 in Houston, this is something I never thought I'd experience unless I flew to Europe to see him play. Nope I will get to see him here in So. Cal.
Here's a piece from the album Rendez-Vous entitled Last Rendez-Vous (Ron's Piece). It's one of my favorites and one reason is that the late astronaut Ron McNair was supposed to play this piece from space for the Houston concert. unfortunately he died along with the rest of the crew of the Space Shuttle Challenger when it blew up shortly after launch.
So now with all the good fortune happening around me, I'm looking pensively around corners looking for the "Gotcha" that inevitably follows my good fortune.
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