And a Happy New Year

After the debacle that was Christmas this year I was really looking forward to my date with W a couple of days after. Like me W is a geek. She loves Scifi/fantasy comics etc... her and I both came to Doctor Who in the 1970s with Tom Baker as the 4th Doctor to take up residence in the Tardis. So when I found out that the new Doctor Who Christmas special was going to be in the theaters (this happens on a regular basis and I always go).  I asked W is she wanted to go and she agreed. She wasn't familiar with the new Doctor, but she wanted to check it out. I got us tickets and I was really hoping that she would be able to get off of work early enough for us to spend some time alone in a hotel room. After all with everything going on with the holidays and our schedules and distance being what they are, we haven't had sex since October. I was really craving some. But it was not to be.

While we were talking on Christmas Day W told me that she had a cold sore and wanted to refrain from kissing. I thought she was kidding. This was mistake number one. Me making light of it was mistake number two.

We'd agreed on a restaurant  @ Universal City Walk for dinner. As the movie was playing there and it was halfway between where we both lived. I made reservations and was excited to see her. We talked most of the way on the commute there, and when we met up at the parking garage I gave her a kiss. And this became the beginning of mistake number three and why I'm so miserable today. 

I did something I rarely do, I shared a prime rib. It's weird, I never split a dish with anyone and  and usually eat one by myself, and yet the last two times W and I have had dinner we split the dish between us and I wasn't hungry afterwards.  Dinner service was slow, and we barely made it to the movie theater for the start of the show. nice reclining seats, very comfortable. Holding hands with W or having her snuggle up against me was divine. 

She liked the show and afterwards we walked around City walk, got coffee and enjoyed each other's company. It felt so right. Of course till I had to say good night and we went our seperate ways. We didn't talk on the way back, but I did get a text telling me she got home safe and few minutes later I texted her the same. that's when I learned of the error of my ways. 

I knew she didn't want to kiss due to her cold sore (which she said was getting better), but throughout the night I kept kissing her. I was wrong to do so. I didn't respect her wishes,  her boundaries. The movie and and rest of the night with her was great. I couldn't resist kissing her even though they were pecks and not full out kissing like we typically do.

In the texts from the end of the night she explained why she was upset. and that I disappointed her. I understood and apologized. We've shared a couple of texts, but she basically told me that she's avoiding talking to me. Yet she says we're okay. I don't understand that. If we're okay, then why not talk to me? 

I've not had any contact with W aside from a few terse texts since Tues. I understand I screwed up badly and it's going to take a lot to earn back her trust. I'm going to honor my agreement not to contact her and let her get in touch with me. We have another date scheduled for later in January and at this point I don't know if I'm going alone or if she'll be joining me. 

I hope she has a good New Year's Eve. I know that I won't be. Aside from the fact that I've been fighting a stomach flue since Weds. morning, the weather is grey and drizzling and fully matches my gloomy mood.

Happy New Year's everyone. 2017 has to be better than 2016.

Merry Christmas.

First things first, Christmas this year sucked.  Due to several reasons, the first being that I have been out of work for about 4 months,  and all my money went to keeping this household afloat.  Something that the other adults in the household should be contributing to. Aside from my girlfriend (and she hates to be called that)  B who buys the majority of food for us, I pay 100% of the rest of the bills. But I digress, I didn't have money to buy gifts and of course no one else did either. So all we bad were stocking stuffers.  Quite a let down ftom previous years.  Not that I (or any other family member) really needed any more material things.

Ths second reason was that I wasn't able to spend it with W.  Due to our schedules, we didn't get to talk during our commutes since her un-BF took her on a trip to San Diego for a couple of days. I finally had a chance to to talk with W for a couple of hours via phone on Christmas day, but couldn't see her. That was sad, but we had a date planned for a couple of days later where I would be able to see her.

Lastly, B had to work both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.  So there wasn't really any time for her to enjoy the holiday. And I was in charge of the Christmas dinner. This was not a problem, as for the most part we ordered Christmas dinner from the same place we did Thanksgiving dinner. Exchanging ghe turkey for a glazed ham. Which meant that I also had to make some cornish game hens for B's daughter N & her boyfriend C since N doesn't eat pork or beef.

No big deal I've cooked them before with good results. Since I was warming up the sides at the same time, I cooked the hens and sides at 400° as opposed to the 350 called for, I also added extra time.

Everything was ready when B got home from work.  She double checked the birds and called them done as well.  We thought finally something going ok.  But then N cut into her bird and saw some pink. Thst was it.  She threw a shit fit and refused to eat anything, said she didn't like the sides from the place and went to her room.  B at least called her out on her attitude and tried to salvage the meal for her by trying to finish the hens in the microwave.

I felt bad for C, since he was caught unawares and in the middle of this tirade.  I don't know if he will be able to survive her.  He's a sweet kid,  but roped himself to a demon. B's oldest son R looked at us and said "I am not doing this again next year.".  I thought to myself you and me both.

Update on a couple of things

For the biggest update, I am back at work after tbree months of unemployment. I started last week at a company that wanted to bring me on as a full-time direct hire, but my salary wad too high for the position. But rather than passing me over for someone less expensive, the converted the position to a contract/contract to hire one.  This lets them bring me in at close to my asking price, but then convert me at a higher salary band.  My only concern is what impact Trump coming into office will have. If he kills ObamaCare, will it have any repercussions to the business? But as it is healthcare related,  there could be both good and bad issues. I will just have to wait and see.

I am still keeping my eyes and ears open to opportunities in the are where W lives.  Since the 100 miles distance makes it hard to see each other on a regular basis. I have an interview with a company about 30 miles south of her,  set up for later this week.  It's for more money than I am making here,  but the cost of living is higher than here (and as I am working on my exit plan housing costs are a consideration for me since I am try to cut expenses.).

I had the opening night of the exhibition a week ago and I was pleased to see my photos displayed like that.  B went with me, but W was not able to make it. I was disappointed, but in retrospect, I really want the first time she sees them to be just her and I. I wanted my first time seeing them to be us alone as well.

There was a video shown that included all of the images I submitted. I don't know if that will still be there the next time I go, or if it's online somewhere. I did however sell two prints,  so I guess I am now a professional photographer. 

A revelation, ending and another pattern

B & I went out to breakfast a couple of days after the grenade about me talking with W went off in my face.

It was really the first time that we'd had a chance to talk and discuss our relationship and where it stands. She told me some things that really didn't surprise me given her history with her husband and how it related to what I've been doing. First, is that she feels I cheated, even if I have not slept with W (We have and that she does not know about, not to mention our sexual texts to each other) by discussing and seeking outside advice about our bedroom problems. Second, that she's starting to look at apartments for herself. That she would rather live in destitute poverty than live with a cheater. I can't say I blame her, and considering I've been planning my exit strategy for a while now only makes it fair. I don't expect any major changes in living arrangements till after the new year. But I guess it's over. For so long I've lived with the dream of having a loving relationship with B. It was something that everyone who knows me knew. I was absolutely and totally in love with her. But over the past seven years, the bloom has come off the rose and I no longer see us growing old together. It would be easy to say it's all her fault, but that would be a lie.

I'm as much at fault as she is. I refuse to live in a relationship where we essentially live separate lives, having few common interests. Where we co-exist, but don't really do much together and my needs are largely ignored. I'm not willing to live in a relationship where intimacy is limited by one person, and then hear her complain it's rote and we're in a rut when she refuses to try anything new or different.

I never expected to hate two of my step children to the point that I don't want to be around them. I want a true partner, one who stands by me and supports me as I do her. Not one who derides me and my likes even as she says that my intelligence is what she finds attractive. One of my best friends said he saw this coming along time ago and isn't surprised by the relationship ending.

I'm sad, hurt, and still trying to process the end of a life long dream of mine. A dream that's defined me most of my life. I'm going to miss her, her smile, her sense of humor, our 30+ years of friendship and support for each other. I think that's going to be the hardest thing to adjust being without.

But this also brings up the second half of my post's title another pattern I've recognized in myself and my relationships. It seems that I return back to my past time and time again. My first wife and I met in high school and had an on again/off again relationship for several years. A year after I met P, I met W, and I fell hard for her Much harder than I fell for P. Unfortunately for us we never told each other how we felt and opportunities and potentialities fell by the wayside This was a pattern for me & W that we would repeat for over 30 years until we put an end to it the past few months. I don't know maybe we both needed the time and experiences we've each endured to allow us to truly appreciate each other and what we might have.

After P and I split up, B introduced me to a friend of hers E. B didn't expect either of us to fall for each other, but we did & while it ultimately failed for reasons to complex to get into now, it was a move forward.

I have repeatedly gone back to to the same women I've previously dated. I don't know why this is, but  I need to think about it some more before I do a disservice to someone else that I love. Examples of my repeating pattern:

P and I repeatedly broke up and got back together several times until we ultimately married and divorced.

E and I did the same thing, We dated, broke up, and dated & broke up then married and divorced.

Mine and B's whole life has been one of cheating with each other/semi dating, then going back to our normal lives, rinse and repeat until six years ago when we decided to move in together. Now we're breaking up. Something I never ever expected to happen.

And now I find myself once again revisiting my past, though W and I went on a few dates together in HS, and occasionally got together over the years, it's not been until now that we've had a chance to explore the possibility of an us. I'm not afraid of that possibility, I welcome it. What I am afraid of however, is it failing and me losing another dear friend to my incompetence with relationships.

Our talks on W's commutes has allowed us to clear up a lot of misunderstandings that we've had and discover old and new things about each other, likes, dislikes, things to try and do, etc....

Due to the distance between us, and the current situation we're both in, we're not able to see each other as often as I'd like (she's going to have to speak for herself on that question). I'm hoping that changes after the New Year. once we both have more clarity on our current lives.