It was really the first time that we'd had a chance to talk and discuss our relationship and where it stands. She told me some things that really didn't surprise me given her history with her husband and how it related to what I've been doing. First, is that she feels I cheated, even if I have not slept with W (We have and that she does not know about, not to mention our sexual texts to each other) by discussing and seeking outside advice about our bedroom problems. Second, that she's starting to look at apartments for herself. That she would rather live in destitute poverty than live with a cheater. I can't say I blame her, and considering I've been planning my exit strategy for a while now only makes it fair. I don't expect any major changes in living arrangements till after the new year. But I guess it's over. For so long I've lived with the dream of having a loving relationship with B. It was something that everyone who knows me knew. I was absolutely and totally in love with her. But over the past seven years, the bloom has come off the rose and I no longer see us growing old together. It would be easy to say it's all her fault, but that would be a lie.
I'm as much at fault as she is. I refuse to live in a relationship where we essentially live separate lives, having few common interests. Where we co-exist, but don't really do much together and my needs are largely ignored. I'm not willing to live in a relationship where intimacy is limited by one person, and then hear her complain it's rote and we're in a rut when she refuses to try anything new or different.
I never expected to hate two of my step children to the point that I don't want to be around them. I want a true partner, one who stands by me and supports me as I do her. Not one who derides me and my likes even as she says that my intelligence is what she finds attractive. One of my best friends said he saw this coming along time ago and isn't surprised by the relationship ending.
I'm sad, hurt, and still trying to process the end of a life long dream of mine. A dream that's defined me most of my life. I'm going to miss her, her smile, her sense of humor, our 30+ years of friendship and support for each other. I think that's going to be the hardest thing to adjust being without.
But this also brings up the second half of my post's title another pattern I've recognized in myself and my relationships. It seems that I return back to my past time and time again. My first wife and I met in high school and had an on again/off again relationship for several years. A year after I met P, I met W, and I fell hard for her Much harder than I fell for P. Unfortunately for us we never told each other how we felt and opportunities and potentialities fell by the wayside This was a pattern for me & W that we would repeat for over 30 years until we put an end to it the past few months. I don't know maybe we both needed the time and experiences we've each endured to allow us to truly appreciate each other and what we might have.
After P and I split up, B introduced me to a friend of hers E. B didn't expect either of us to fall for each other, but we did & while it ultimately failed for reasons to complex to get into now, it was a move forward.
I have repeatedly gone back to to the same women I've previously dated. I don't know why this is, but I need to think about it some more before I do a disservice to someone else that I love. Examples of my repeating pattern:
P and I repeatedly broke up and got back together several times until we ultimately married and divorced.
E and I did the same thing, We dated, broke up, and dated & broke up then married and divorced.
Mine and B's whole life has been one of cheating with each other/semi dating, then going back to our normal lives, rinse and repeat until six years ago when we decided to move in together. Now we're breaking up. Something I never ever expected to happen.
And now I find myself once again revisiting my past, though W and I went on a few dates together in HS, and occasionally got together over the years, it's not been until now that we've had a chance to explore the possibility of an us. I'm not afraid of that possibility, I welcome it. What I am afraid of however, is it failing and me losing another dear friend to my incompetence with relationships.
Our talks on W's commutes has allowed us to clear up a lot of misunderstandings that we've had and discover old and new things about each other, likes, dislikes, things to try and do, etc....
Due to the distance between us, and the current situation we're both in, we're not able to see each other as often as I'd like (she's going to have to speak for herself on that question). I'm hoping that changes after the New Year. once we both have more clarity on our current lives.
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