I'm so tired of this shit.

It's four thirty in the morning and it looks like my god damn insomnia is back. It's been a long time since I've been up and unable to sleep, and I'm not happy. B's daughter gave birth on 4/11, two days after having her water break at her nephew's birthday party. It wasn't a big break, and the baby's head kind of sealed the tear, so the doctor had to further break the sack and labor commenced.

At forst I was wondering if I'd even be at the birth, b=due to N's not wanting me and her father in the same place at the same time. I don't know why, I have nothing against the man, and as far as I know he has nothing against me (especially considering that I've housed and taken care of his kids for the past seven years), but that's neither hear nor there, as he was out of town and I was in town.

The baby girl is adorable. Too bad I won't be here to see her nor her cousin grow up. When I picked B up from work last night/this morning she told me that she wants to step down from her supervisor role at work and just be a cashier Which would mean less hours for her. This a week after telling me that she wanted to help out more with the bills. I asked her about this and she didn't have an answer for the disparity nor how she's manage to pay more of the bills.

Her oldest son R. recently started a part time job, but I doubt that he's going to have any money to put towards household expenses once the state finds out he's working and takes their cut to pay his back child support not to mention the ongoing support (something he's not paid in two years due to being a lazy SOB and not working since he had his court battle against his ex for his parental rights.) He still owes the lawyer about 9,000 in fees as well.

I'm pissed at B for even thinking about cutting her hours when I wiped out my retirement and savings trying to pay all the bills for the past seven years alone. So couple putting even more pressure on me to find ever higher paying contracts/jobs to pay for adults who should be paying their own way, with the fact that I get little to no respect from two of the three kids I support, and a girlfriend who has no interest in anything that interests me and with whom I have very little in common with AND who restricts sex to once a week if I'm lucky and does nothing at all in the way of foreplay to arouse me during sex and I've reached my limit. Dwelling on this is why I'm awake at this ungodly hour.

I have a date with W this weekend and we get to spend the night together in an leisurely and hopefully romantic manner (I have no idea if sex is still a possibility since she had taken it off the table several months ago until she moves out of her un-boyfriend's place).

SIGH..... I hate moving. Such a pain in the ass.

Antinomy

an·tin·o·my

anˈtinəmē/

noun

1. A contradiction between two beliefs or conclusions that are in themselves reasonable; a paradox.

And this is where I find myself these days. Staring down the barrels of a metaphorical double barreled shotgun. One of these paths leads me to keep the status quo and lets me hold on to my nearly lifelong dream of a relationship with B (which as I awaken from a deep slumber I'm seeing as more and more one sided) and miss an opportunity that I never thought I'd get; that of a chance of relationship with W. I fell hard for W 35 years ago and simultaneously gave up on that dream for reasons already covered elsewhere in this blog.

A year after meeting W I met and fell even harder for B. Through the years B and I maintained our friendship and status as occasional lovers. And I think this more than anything is what kept me coming back to B. She was there for me and I for her, and I truly loved her. I really wanted to be with her.

W & I on the other drifted in and out of each other's lives, neither of of us knowing what the other felt. Our friendship on occasion drifted closer, but never had a chance to really explore what it could be until the last 6 months or so. Talking with her almost daily about things both deep and shallow, Spending what little time together we could both manage to steal from what our lives and 100 miles distance allowed showed me a person who would willingly be up for pretty much anything I wanted to do. And as I've always been pretty willing to do what my partner likes/wants to do this represents no big change for me. Whatever W wants to do, I'm game for.

It's refreshing for me to date someone who has very strong ideas of things for us to do that are not run of the mill. One thing that we both want to do dates back all the way to the beginning of our friendship. We went on a date back in high school and saw Paddy Chayefsky's Altered States.

It was an interesting movie and after seeing it both of us wanted to go float in a isolation tank. We never got a chance to do it, but I've recently discovered that they are still a thing and with new technologies better than they were before. We're planning on going sometime in teh next couple of months (depending on schedules). Something I'd been waiting to do for 35 years is finally going to happen.

When I brought up the idea to her, W asked me if I'd gone in the intervening years. I hadn't. Even if anyone of my other partners had thought of the idea, I'd have declined. Not that I don't want to do it. I do. But I had always planned to do the isolation/float tank with W. No one else. I think it's going to be an interesting experience, and quite possibly the one I'm looking forward to the most.

But I once again digressed from my subject. Antinomy... What do I do? I am in love with both W and B. B has been my dream relationship and it's not what I expected it to be. But do any relationships ever turn out like we expect them? When I leave, Its going to hurt her terribly. I know she loves me. But I can't stay in the relationship the way it is,and she's shown very little progress in the areas that are problematic. Sex is still limited to once a week (if that) and she's still not doing anything to arouse me. Her boys are still sitting around the house not contributing to the running of it, and B is still not showing any interest in things that I do. When I move out, it's going to leave them homeless. Between the three of them they can't afford an apartment let alone anything else that living on your own requires. I'm trying to figure out how I live with myself after throwing the woman I've loved out on street.

W, on the other hand shows lots of interest in doing things with me. I can't really say anything about sex with her, since we haven't had any intimate contact beyond kissing since Oct. I have interest in doing things that she's interested in. We have tickets to see one of her favorite bands in May/June time frame. We're planning things to do and places to go. Now it is up the scheduling gods for us to go and do them.

I'm excited for the first time in a long time. I'll admit that a lot of this excitement is probably due to New Relationship Energy (NRE), and a lot of it due to my being thirsty for this kind of a connection for so long that I'm trying to take it all in at once.

I need to talk with a therapist I think.

Finally a good couple of weeks

It looks like things are starting to turn around for me. Finally. After a crappy end of 2016 and even shittier start to 2017, things are looking up. W is talking with me again and we have a date set up for this coming Friday 1/20/2017. The day democracy dies in the USA. What do I care? I'm going to be in the Microsoft Theater in Downtown L.A. watching Blazing Saddles and hearing a Q&A session with the legendary Mel Brooks. What a fitting way to spend Trump's inauguration day.

And if that's not enough two more pieces of good news this week, first, even though I scored a new contract after 4 months or so of unemployment back in Dec of 2016, I knew the money wasn't enough to  accomplish what I need to do to move out. So a client I turned down last Sept. while I was working on getting hired for a full time direct position that got pulled at the last minute in year end budget cuts, came back and wanted to know if I was still interested. The rate is almost 50% over what I'm currently making + travel expenses and I said yes. I reinterviewed and got the offer for the position.

So it looks like for the first time in a decade I'm going to a road warrior again. That's the primary downside. The extra money will allow me to pay off my debt and put money back into my now depleted retirement account. Who knows, I might be able to buy a couple of things for W. I do know that I'm going to fly her out to my work location as often as she allows me to.

And to top it off, last night I went to an interesting event that I never expected to see in my lifetime. One of my favorite composers/electronic musicians  had a Q&A and signing for his new CD in L.A. there he announced a North American concert tour, including a final show in L.A. Considering that Jean Michel Jarre has only played one concert in the US back in 1986 in Houston,  this is something I never thought I'd experience unless I flew to Europe to see him play. Nope I will get to see him here in So. Cal.

Here's a piece from the album Rendez-Vous entitled Last Rendez-Vous (Ron's Piece). It's one of my favorites and one reason is that the late astronaut Ron McNair was supposed to play this piece from space for the Houston concert. unfortunately he died along with the rest of the crew of the Space Shuttle Challenger when it blew up shortly after launch.

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So now with all the good fortune happening around me, I'm looking pensively around corners looking for the "Gotcha" that inevitably follows my good fortune.

And a Happy New Year

After the debacle that was Christmas this year I was really looking forward to my date with W a couple of days after. Like me W is a geek. She loves Scifi/fantasy comics etc... her and I both came to Doctor Who in the 1970s with Tom Baker as the 4th Doctor to take up residence in the Tardis. So when I found out that the new Doctor Who Christmas special was going to be in the theaters (this happens on a regular basis and I always go).  I asked W is she wanted to go and she agreed. She wasn't familiar with the new Doctor, but she wanted to check it out. I got us tickets and I was really hoping that she would be able to get off of work early enough for us to spend some time alone in a hotel room. After all with everything going on with the holidays and our schedules and distance being what they are, we haven't had sex since October. I was really craving some. But it was not to be.

While we were talking on Christmas Day W told me that she had a cold sore and wanted to refrain from kissing. I thought she was kidding. This was mistake number one. Me making light of it was mistake number two.

We'd agreed on a restaurant  @ Universal City Walk for dinner. As the movie was playing there and it was halfway between where we both lived. I made reservations and was excited to see her. We talked most of the way on the commute there, and when we met up at the parking garage I gave her a kiss. And this became the beginning of mistake number three and why I'm so miserable today. 

I did something I rarely do, I shared a prime rib. It's weird, I never split a dish with anyone and  and usually eat one by myself, and yet the last two times W and I have had dinner we split the dish between us and I wasn't hungry afterwards.  Dinner service was slow, and we barely made it to the movie theater for the start of the show. nice reclining seats, very comfortable. Holding hands with W or having her snuggle up against me was divine. 

She liked the show and afterwards we walked around City walk, got coffee and enjoyed each other's company. It felt so right. Of course till I had to say good night and we went our seperate ways. We didn't talk on the way back, but I did get a text telling me she got home safe and few minutes later I texted her the same. that's when I learned of the error of my ways. 

I knew she didn't want to kiss due to her cold sore (which she said was getting better), but throughout the night I kept kissing her. I was wrong to do so. I didn't respect her wishes,  her boundaries. The movie and and rest of the night with her was great. I couldn't resist kissing her even though they were pecks and not full out kissing like we typically do.

In the texts from the end of the night she explained why she was upset. and that I disappointed her. I understood and apologized. We've shared a couple of texts, but she basically told me that she's avoiding talking to me. Yet she says we're okay. I don't understand that. If we're okay, then why not talk to me? 

I've not had any contact with W aside from a few terse texts since Tues. I understand I screwed up badly and it's going to take a lot to earn back her trust. I'm going to honor my agreement not to contact her and let her get in touch with me. We have another date scheduled for later in January and at this point I don't know if I'm going alone or if she'll be joining me. 

I hope she has a good New Year's Eve. I know that I won't be. Aside from the fact that I've been fighting a stomach flue since Weds. morning, the weather is grey and drizzling and fully matches my gloomy mood.

Happy New Year's everyone. 2017 has to be better than 2016.

Merry Christmas.

First things first, Christmas this year sucked.  Due to several reasons, the first being that I have been out of work for about 4 months,  and all my money went to keeping this household afloat.  Something that the other adults in the household should be contributing to. Aside from my girlfriend (and she hates to be called that)  B who buys the majority of food for us, I pay 100% of the rest of the bills. But I digress, I didn't have money to buy gifts and of course no one else did either. So all we bad were stocking stuffers.  Quite a let down ftom previous years.  Not that I (or any other family member) really needed any more material things.

Ths second reason was that I wasn't able to spend it with W.  Due to our schedules, we didn't get to talk during our commutes since her un-BF took her on a trip to San Diego for a couple of days. I finally had a chance to to talk with W for a couple of hours via phone on Christmas day, but couldn't see her. That was sad, but we had a date planned for a couple of days later where I would be able to see her.

Lastly, B had to work both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.  So there wasn't really any time for her to enjoy the holiday. And I was in charge of the Christmas dinner. This was not a problem, as for the most part we ordered Christmas dinner from the same place we did Thanksgiving dinner. Exchanging ghe turkey for a glazed ham. Which meant that I also had to make some cornish game hens for B's daughter N & her boyfriend C since N doesn't eat pork or beef.

No big deal I've cooked them before with good results. Since I was warming up the sides at the same time, I cooked the hens and sides at 400° as opposed to the 350 called for, I also added extra time.

Everything was ready when B got home from work.  She double checked the birds and called them done as well.  We thought finally something going ok.  But then N cut into her bird and saw some pink. Thst was it.  She threw a shit fit and refused to eat anything, said she didn't like the sides from the place and went to her room.  B at least called her out on her attitude and tried to salvage the meal for her by trying to finish the hens in the microwave.

I felt bad for C, since he was caught unawares and in the middle of this tirade.  I don't know if he will be able to survive her.  He's a sweet kid,  but roped himself to a demon. B's oldest son R looked at us and said "I am not doing this again next year.".  I thought to myself you and me both.

Update on a couple of things

For the biggest update, I am back at work after tbree months of unemployment. I started last week at a company that wanted to bring me on as a full-time direct hire, but my salary wad too high for the position. But rather than passing me over for someone less expensive, the converted the position to a contract/contract to hire one.  This lets them bring me in at close to my asking price, but then convert me at a higher salary band.  My only concern is what impact Trump coming into office will have. If he kills ObamaCare, will it have any repercussions to the business? But as it is healthcare related,  there could be both good and bad issues. I will just have to wait and see.

I am still keeping my eyes and ears open to opportunities in the are where W lives.  Since the 100 miles distance makes it hard to see each other on a regular basis. I have an interview with a company about 30 miles south of her,  set up for later this week.  It's for more money than I am making here,  but the cost of living is higher than here (and as I am working on my exit plan housing costs are a consideration for me since I am try to cut expenses.).

I had the opening night of the exhibition a week ago and I was pleased to see my photos displayed like that.  B went with me, but W was not able to make it. I was disappointed, but in retrospect, I really want the first time she sees them to be just her and I. I wanted my first time seeing them to be us alone as well.

There was a video shown that included all of the images I submitted. I don't know if that will still be there the next time I go, or if it's online somewhere. I did however sell two prints,  so I guess I am now a professional photographer. 

A revelation, ending and another pattern

B & I went out to breakfast a couple of days after the grenade about me talking with W went off in my face.

It was really the first time that we'd had a chance to talk and discuss our relationship and where it stands. She told me some things that really didn't surprise me given her history with her husband and how it related to what I've been doing. First, is that she feels I cheated, even if I have not slept with W (We have and that she does not know about, not to mention our sexual texts to each other) by discussing and seeking outside advice about our bedroom problems. Second, that she's starting to look at apartments for herself. That she would rather live in destitute poverty than live with a cheater. I can't say I blame her, and considering I've been planning my exit strategy for a while now only makes it fair. I don't expect any major changes in living arrangements till after the new year. But I guess it's over. For so long I've lived with the dream of having a loving relationship with B. It was something that everyone who knows me knew. I was absolutely and totally in love with her. But over the past seven years, the bloom has come off the rose and I no longer see us growing old together. It would be easy to say it's all her fault, but that would be a lie.

I'm as much at fault as she is. I refuse to live in a relationship where we essentially live separate lives, having few common interests. Where we co-exist, but don't really do much together and my needs are largely ignored. I'm not willing to live in a relationship where intimacy is limited by one person, and then hear her complain it's rote and we're in a rut when she refuses to try anything new or different.

I never expected to hate two of my step children to the point that I don't want to be around them. I want a true partner, one who stands by me and supports me as I do her. Not one who derides me and my likes even as she says that my intelligence is what she finds attractive. One of my best friends said he saw this coming along time ago and isn't surprised by the relationship ending.

I'm sad, hurt, and still trying to process the end of a life long dream of mine. A dream that's defined me most of my life. I'm going to miss her, her smile, her sense of humor, our 30+ years of friendship and support for each other. I think that's going to be the hardest thing to adjust being without.

But this also brings up the second half of my post's title another pattern I've recognized in myself and my relationships. It seems that I return back to my past time and time again. My first wife and I met in high school and had an on again/off again relationship for several years. A year after I met P, I met W, and I fell hard for her Much harder than I fell for P. Unfortunately for us we never told each other how we felt and opportunities and potentialities fell by the wayside This was a pattern for me & W that we would repeat for over 30 years until we put an end to it the past few months. I don't know maybe we both needed the time and experiences we've each endured to allow us to truly appreciate each other and what we might have.

After P and I split up, B introduced me to a friend of hers E. B didn't expect either of us to fall for each other, but we did & while it ultimately failed for reasons to complex to get into now, it was a move forward.

I have repeatedly gone back to to the same women I've previously dated. I don't know why this is, but  I need to think about it some more before I do a disservice to someone else that I love. Examples of my repeating pattern:

P and I repeatedly broke up and got back together several times until we ultimately married and divorced.

E and I did the same thing, We dated, broke up, and dated & broke up then married and divorced.

Mine and B's whole life has been one of cheating with each other/semi dating, then going back to our normal lives, rinse and repeat until six years ago when we decided to move in together. Now we're breaking up. Something I never ever expected to happen.

And now I find myself once again revisiting my past, though W and I went on a few dates together in HS, and occasionally got together over the years, it's not been until now that we've had a chance to explore the possibility of an us. I'm not afraid of that possibility, I welcome it. What I am afraid of however, is it failing and me losing another dear friend to my incompetence with relationships.

Our talks on W's commutes has allowed us to clear up a lot of misunderstandings that we've had and discover old and new things about each other, likes, dislikes, things to try and do, etc....

Due to the distance between us, and the current situation we're both in, we're not able to see each other as often as I'd like (she's going to have to speak for herself on that question). I'm hoping that changes after the New Year. once we both have more clarity on our current lives.