A few posts back I mentioned how I was planning my exit strategy and thought I might throw a bomb into my life and watch it explode. Well I may have inadvertently done so this morning and It's all my fault.
W has a long commute to and from work, and we typically chat on her drives. I tend to be the only one up at 6:30am and can talk with her in private. Well this morning, B got up uncharacteristically early, and overheard part of our conversation, well my half since I almost always use earbuds or a bluetooth earpiece.
Needless to say the caca impacted the rotary impeller. She doesn't know the extent of the relationship between me and W. She doesn't know that we have slept together, doesn't know that I've gone up there a few times to see her. But she suspects both of those. B said that for all she knows W went to Mt. Wilson with me, but does not know for sure. All she knows for sure is that we talk on the phone.
When asked why, I told her the truth, that both W and I are in similar dead bedroom situations, and we are a mutual support group for each other. That I need an outside perspective. and that W has been urging me to work on saving the relationship. B was understandably upset at me sharing details of our sex life with another woman, but I reminded her that she served the exact same role when I was in conflict over my last marriage being in a similar place.
Right now she's lost trust in me and rightfully so. She's not talking to me and any progress we've made has been set back tremendously. I'm not surprised considering her husband cheated on her and lead a secret double life for over 20 years even going so far as to swear their kids into no revealing the true situation to their mom.
Am I a piece of shit for doing this knowing what I do about her history and how it affected her? Yes I am. And I am sorry that it came to this. I never wanted it to. I never meant to hurt her. I wanted our relationship to end as amicably as possible. I knew she'd be hurt when I told her I wanted out, but I really wanted more time to get my plans in place and give her a chance to get her plan in place too. Unlike 7 years ago I can't rent a place and then continue to pay for my old house. When E and I split up we were both equal contributors to the mortgage, so I was able to pay my half for a few months while renting a place as well. But 7 yeasrs has seen a housing price hike, and I shoulder the entire rent burden on my own as well as all utilities. So when I break the lease that's it, we all have to find a new place to live.
W asked me if I wanted to try and salvage the relationship with B. And honestly I don't think I want to. I've been in love with her longer than any one person. When we got together 7 years ago I thought this was it. I had everything I wanted in a relationship. She's asked me many times over the past few years why I'm with her, why I love her. and I don't have a good answer. We really have nothing in common past a few music acts, cooking, travel (all paid by me) and 30+ years of shared love/friendship. We don't like the same movies or TV shows, and she has no interest in my astronomy and just a little in my photography. She says she loves me for my big brain when I ask her the same question. I'm so tired of doing things alone, I had that in my last marriage, and I duplicated in this relationship. Will I ever learn? At least W and I share a lot of common interests. The more her and I talk the more I find out about how alike we are.
For example, when I went up to see her on Monday and see a movie with her, I suggested a New York style deli for dinner. She told me great, and that she loves bagels and lox. A meal I absolutely love. When she goes to the county fairs, she likes to look at everything like I do. Despite others that she might be with getting bored. The same goes for museums. I hate being rushed, B and her kids are not real happy when I look at everything and read the notations at the exhibits. I mean How else are you supposed to learn anything about what you're looking at?
I don't know. Maybe it's better that the Bandaid gets pulled off all at once instead of little by little.
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