Yesterday was a date I hadn't thought about in 7 years, the anniversary date of my last failed marriage. I was filling out Job applications when I realized what the date was. It hit me sideways and for a few moments I really missed what I had in that relationship. The nice house we owned, a partner who was my financial equal. But then I remembered what led to me divorcing her, the fact that we really had nothing in common, her inability to accept and respect my atheism even though I respected her faith in her religion. Her depression that she didn't want to work on, The dead bedroom that resulted from her depression, and the fact that she married me because I took her virginity and she felt that no one in her religious group would want to marry a woman that was not a virgin. Did we love each other? I know I loved her. But once again I was with a partner where I was n't her first choice and she had to settle. It's a familiar pattern throughout my life. One that I've grown tired of long before this.
Tomorrow is my friend's birthday. It kills me that I can't spend it with her. It kills me that I have to have this secret part of my life, That I can't tag her in social media when we go to do things. I hate that I don't get a chance to fall asleep with her and then wake up in the morning with her. Most of all I hate that I'm not in a position to give her the help she needs right now. I know that it's going to take time for both of us to sort out our separate lives and that I've been waiting over 30 years for this kind of opportunity with her, so I suppose I can wait a bit longer.
I will however be taking pictures of and with her and I will keep them separate from my current photo catalogs. I have one picture of her that I've posted to social media and since she's in silhouette no one knows it her but the two of us. Everytime I see it my heart warms considerably. I'm going to make a print of it and hang it my home.
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