FUD

According to Wikipedia "Fear, uncertainty and doubt (often shortened to FUD) is a disinformation strategy used in sales, marketing, public relations, talk radio, politics, religion, and propaganda. FUD is generally a strategy to influence perception by disseminating negative and dubious or false information and a manifestation of the appeal to fear."

I believe that my brain is sending me disinformation. Before you laugh out loud, let me explain. 

I've been jealous of W's relationships with her other fwb's. As I've explained before I have no right to be jealous, we're not exclusive to each other and it will take quite some time before we are even capable of attempting such a feat. 

I came to the realization last night before falling asleep that I'm deathly afraid of losing her again. Not that I ever had her to lose, but this is where the old mental mind-fuckery comes into play. Whether or not W believes that she was my first crush all those years ago is kind of irellevant to the discussion. in my mind and my feelings she was.

While we've never had (or maybe we did and never recognized it for what it was) a chance to have a relationship as a couple, we have a possibility of a chance and I'm not willing to let it go. I had a nightmare last night about W's trip this weekend to spend time with one of her FWBs. I dreamed that she decided not to come home from that trip. That he was more of an appealing partner than I am. Maybe he's better in bed, or has a larger dick. I don't know and don't want to know that. In the dream I was crushed to have lost before I could even enter the fight. 

So there's the fear and uncertainty my brain is feeding me and it creates doubt and insecurity on my part.  so all parts of FUD are there. 

I need to learn to stop living in my brain so much, and just let things be and progress at their natural pace.

Even though I've explained this all to her and she said in no uncertain terms that she's coming home on Sunday. My brain is still trying to fuck me over with doubt.

The other part that bothers me that I really really hate myself for, is I really don't want to think about her having sex with some other guy. I shouldn't feel so possessive over her.  But the thought of it makes my guts clench up. 

How the hell to I learn to deal with that aspect of our relationship? It's likely to be the reality unless I move close enough to her that we can see each other with some frequency, or we become exclusive. I don't see the latter happening any time soon, though I'm working hard on finding a job near her.

I wish I could go back in time and slap younger self upside the head and tell me not to be afraid to pursue her. 

FUCK!!!!!