The Pretender

Thanksgiving 2016 is now over and it's been an interesting day for me. It started with B and I talking last night while doing some last minute shopping for tonight's dinner. She jokingly picked up a can of sauerkraut and said "Should I get this?". Considering the effect it has on her stomach and farting, I jokingly replied "Do you want me to move out?".  Her reply was very pointed and told me that she did in fact hear what I said earlier in the week, "You're already planning on moving out so why not." Considering that she'd not mentioned anything about my comment in the past few days, I didn't think she really paid attention to it.

It continued this morning, lounging in bed  than we intended talking. B said we should rent a cabin in Big Bear for the weekend and spend the entire time in bed. This shocked the hell out of me as many times I've suggested something along the same lines only to be shot down cold. I reminded her that it would involve sex, lots of sex and that she had refused similar offers in the past. She came back with "I know, I suggested it... Don't question, Just revel in it." I don't know if this is just an attempt at trying to hold on to the relationship and things would just revert to the normal dead bedroom at some later date, or if she's honestly trying to change her outlook and improve our sex life. I do know that she still refuses to give me any oral sex, claiming she doesn't like doing it. I've told her that it doesn't have to be every time, but once in a while is all I ask. It's been over 5 years since I've had a BJ. I really want one. to completion. I'd kill someone for one.

It's really hard to pretend that there's going to be another Thanksgiving dinner with my current family. B kept talking about what we'd do different next year, how she wants to get serving bowls and utensils for next year. All the while I'm thinking yeah... I'm not going to be here next Thanksgiving. Hell, I'm expecting to be gone by late Jan/early Feb. I just can't see myself continuing to live in this current situation. Between her kids and the DB situation, I find it untenable. I just don't know how much longer I can keep up the charade.