I done fucked up... Maybe

A few posts back I mentioned how I was planning my exit strategy and thought I might throw a bomb into my life and watch it explode. Well I may have inadvertently done so this morning and It's all my fault.

W has a long commute to and from work, and we typically chat on her drives. I tend to be the only one up at 6:30am and can talk with her in private. Well this morning, B got up uncharacteristically early, and overheard part of our conversation, well my half since I almost always use earbuds or a bluetooth earpiece.

Needless to say the caca impacted the rotary impeller. She doesn't know the extent of the relationship between me and W. She doesn't know that we have slept together, doesn't know that I've gone up there a few times to see her. But she suspects both of those. B said that for all she knows W went to Mt. Wilson with me, but does not know for sure. All she knows for sure is that we talk on the phone.

When asked why, I told her the truth, that both W and I are in similar dead bedroom situations, and we are a mutual support group for each other. That I need an outside perspective. and that W has been urging me to work on saving the relationship. B was understandably upset at me sharing details of our sex life with another woman, but I reminded her that she served the exact same role when I was in conflict over my last marriage being in a similar place.

Right now she's lost trust in me and rightfully so. She's not talking to me and any progress we've made has been set back tremendously. I'm not surprised considering her husband cheated on her and lead a secret double life for over 20 years even going so far as to swear their kids into no revealing the true situation to their mom.

Am I a piece of shit for doing this knowing what I do about her history and how it affected her? Yes I am. And I am sorry that it came to this. I never wanted it to. I never meant to hurt her. I wanted our relationship to end as amicably as possible. I knew she'd be hurt when I told her I wanted out, but I really wanted more time to get my plans in place and give her a chance to get her plan in place too. Unlike 7 years ago I can't rent a place and then continue to pay for my old house. When E and I split up we were both equal contributors to the mortgage, so I was able to pay my half for a few months while renting a place as well. But 7 yeasrs has seen a housing price hike, and I shoulder the entire rent burden on my own as well as all utilities. So when I break the lease that's it, we all have to find a new place to live.

W asked me if I wanted to try and salvage the relationship with B. And honestly I don't think I want to. I've been in love with her longer than any one person. When we got together 7 years ago I thought this was it. I had everything I wanted in a relationship. She's asked me many times over the past few years why I'm with her, why I love her. and I don't have a good answer. We really have nothing in common past a few music acts, cooking, travel (all paid by me) and 30+ years of shared love/friendship. We don't like the same movies or TV shows, and she has no interest in my astronomy and just a little in my photography. She says she loves me for my big brain when I ask her the same question. I'm so tired of doing things alone, I had that in my last marriage, and I duplicated in this relationship. Will I ever learn? At least W and I share a lot of common interests. The more her and I talk the more I find out about how alike we are.

For example, when I went up to see her on Monday and see a movie with her, I suggested a New York style deli for dinner. She told me great, and that she loves bagels and lox. A meal I absolutely love. When she goes to the county fairs, she likes to look at everything like I do. Despite others that she might be with getting bored. The same goes for museums. I hate being rushed, B and her kids are not real happy when I look at everything and read the notations at the exhibits. I mean How else are you supposed to learn anything about what you're looking at?

I don't know. Maybe it's better that the Bandaid gets pulled off all at once instead of little by little.

The Pretender

Thanksgiving 2016 is now over and it's been an interesting day for me. It started with B and I talking last night while doing some last minute shopping for tonight's dinner. She jokingly picked up a can of sauerkraut and said "Should I get this?". Considering the effect it has on her stomach and farting, I jokingly replied "Do you want me to move out?".  Her reply was very pointed and told me that she did in fact hear what I said earlier in the week, "You're already planning on moving out so why not." Considering that she'd not mentioned anything about my comment in the past few days, I didn't think she really paid attention to it.

It continued this morning, lounging in bed  than we intended talking. B said we should rent a cabin in Big Bear for the weekend and spend the entire time in bed. This shocked the hell out of me as many times I've suggested something along the same lines only to be shot down cold. I reminded her that it would involve sex, lots of sex and that she had refused similar offers in the past. She came back with "I know, I suggested it... Don't question, Just revel in it." I don't know if this is just an attempt at trying to hold on to the relationship and things would just revert to the normal dead bedroom at some later date, or if she's honestly trying to change her outlook and improve our sex life. I do know that she still refuses to give me any oral sex, claiming she doesn't like doing it. I've told her that it doesn't have to be every time, but once in a while is all I ask. It's been over 5 years since I've had a BJ. I really want one. to completion. I'd kill someone for one.

It's really hard to pretend that there's going to be another Thanksgiving dinner with my current family. B kept talking about what we'd do different next year, how she wants to get serving bowls and utensils for next year. All the while I'm thinking yeah... I'm not going to be here next Thanksgiving. Hell, I'm expecting to be gone by late Jan/early Feb. I just can't see myself continuing to live in this current situation. Between her kids and the DB situation, I find it untenable. I just don't know how much longer I can keep up the charade.

Exit Plan...

That's it... I'm done. I'm out. I can't take it anymore.

I've started formulating my exit from my current relationship with B and her kids. It started on Monday night when I got back from seeing W. I stopped by B's work to talk with her beheading home. She wasn't going to be home until around 1:30am or so and I'd be fast asleep by then. While we were talking, she brought up the topic of our once a week sex life. A few weeks ago I challenged her to have sex once a week since our usual span was once every 3-8 weeks and I wanted it more frequently than that. I said it was getting better but I'd still prefer more frequent sex. 

She thinks once a week is fine any more and it wouldn't be as intense. What she fails to understand no matter how many times I explain it, what makes it intense is her active participation. Her touching me and wanting to be touched. I still don't get any oral from her and her foreplay consists of just kissing me, running her hands over my body and her occasionally grabbing my cock and stroking it. Not really intense from my perspective, but much better than it has been the last few years. I still do the lion's share of the work.


It continued Thursday night when B, her middle child (a son) and I went out to dinner. Her oldest and youngest were at a hockey game. The dinner conversation was so ironic it kills me. It finally convinced me that there's really no hope and no reason to stay. Her son T was lamenting about the state of his and his girlfriend's relationship.

Apparently in the year they've been going out, they've had sex twice. They're 27 years old btw. There's a few other other issues between them besides the Dead Bedroom but they're not germain to the conversation at hand.

My LL GF was telling him that this was a red flag of major proportions. And I agreed. She said that perhaps he should find someone more sexually compatible with him.

Oh man the irony in that answer.

When we got home, I asked if she saw the irony in the situation.

She said and I quote, "it's different, they're young"

I said age doesn't matter. She replied that I am delusional.

I'm delusional.... I let that sink in.. For what wanting a healthy physical relationship with the woman I love and have loved most of my life? 

This just made my decision so much easier. I finally realized that I'm fighting a losing battle. 

Then Friday night was the final straw for me. We were driving along with her pregnant daughter N to the store to get some fixings for Thanksgiving dinner. Now before I continue, N & and I have a very contentious relationship. She's a very rude, dismissive, quarrelsome young woman who has moments of sweetness. Everyone in the family has felt her biting commentary. Her brother T wants nothing to do with her and goes out of his way to avoid her. The eldest son R feed into her and when the two of them start arguing I want to get out of the house as quickly as I can. I can usually handle one or the other just fine but th etwo of them together forget it. I think about running and never going back.

Back to the story at hand: The lane I was in had some construction ahead and was closed. Both B & N yelled at me like I didn't see it and that I should have gotten over much sooner. I'd had enough. I pulled over and got out of the car and told them both that I'm no longer driving someone else can drive. I'm tired of hearing crap from the back seat drivers. 

I told them both to shut up. N lashes out and says "Don't ever tell me or my mom to shut up" I tell her I'll say waht ever I want. Mind you now we're in my car. I should have told her to get out and walk but I'm not that mean.

I told them that I'm done, I can't take this any more and that as soon as I can, I am moving out. N says fine we don't need you. I thought to myself oh yeah, lets see, I pay the rent, utilities, insurance her mom's cell phone, Cable, internet, etc... Without me they'd be homeless. phone less, with one car between the three of them. T has his own car is the only responsible child. R hasn't worked in two years and is not looking, N has never had a job despite being 22 years old. None of the three help out in the house unless cajoled. 

I'm tired of being in a family where 3/5s of them don't do shit for the household. Good fucking riddance I say. 

At this point I don't care what happens to them. Where they live or don't live. 

I'll be starting a new job after Thanksgiving and I once I save up some money I'm out. I don't care if I move into an apartment for a few months. I'll take my stuff, some furniture and pots and pans that I came into the relationship with and move out. 

 I. AM. DONE.

FUD

According to Wikipedia "Fear, uncertainty and doubt (often shortened to FUD) is a disinformation strategy used in sales, marketing, public relations, talk radio, politics, religion, and propaganda. FUD is generally a strategy to influence perception by disseminating negative and dubious or false information and a manifestation of the appeal to fear."

I believe that my brain is sending me disinformation. Before you laugh out loud, let me explain. 

I've been jealous of W's relationships with her other fwb's. As I've explained before I have no right to be jealous, we're not exclusive to each other and it will take quite some time before we are even capable of attempting such a feat. 

I came to the realization last night before falling asleep that I'm deathly afraid of losing her again. Not that I ever had her to lose, but this is where the old mental mind-fuckery comes into play. Whether or not W believes that she was my first crush all those years ago is kind of irellevant to the discussion. in my mind and my feelings she was.

While we've never had (or maybe we did and never recognized it for what it was) a chance to have a relationship as a couple, we have a possibility of a chance and I'm not willing to let it go. I had a nightmare last night about W's trip this weekend to spend time with one of her FWBs. I dreamed that she decided not to come home from that trip. That he was more of an appealing partner than I am. Maybe he's better in bed, or has a larger dick. I don't know and don't want to know that. In the dream I was crushed to have lost before I could even enter the fight. 

So there's the fear and uncertainty my brain is feeding me and it creates doubt and insecurity on my part.  so all parts of FUD are there. 

I need to learn to stop living in my brain so much, and just let things be and progress at their natural pace.

Even though I've explained this all to her and she said in no uncertain terms that she's coming home on Sunday. My brain is still trying to fuck me over with doubt.

The other part that bothers me that I really really hate myself for, is I really don't want to think about her having sex with some other guy. I shouldn't feel so possessive over her.  But the thought of it makes my guts clench up. 

How the hell to I learn to deal with that aspect of our relationship? It's likely to be the reality unless I move close enough to her that we can see each other with some frequency, or we become exclusive. I don't see the latter happening any time soon, though I'm working hard on finding a job near her.

I wish I could go back in time and slap younger self upside the head and tell me not to be afraid to pursue her. 

FUCK!!!!!

Patterns of force

Putting myself under my own microscope of introspection and reflection this past year has led to some interesting pattern recognition about myself and my relationships with the various women in my life, and this is what's led me to write this blog. It's a way to help clear my brain and try to make sense of the confusion.

I've been married three times now and have been living with my girlfriend B for the past 6 years. 

In each of my relationships, there's been a few distinct commonalities that I noticed. 

1: Most of the women that I've loved and I have had very few shared interests. 

I'm a techie who works in I.T. and has almost my entire career. I'm a geek that loves Science Fiction, Horror, and some fantasy. I'm a huge fan of Bruce Springsteen and have seen him over 40 times in the last 36 years. 

I'm a lifelong atheist. I've never believed in any deity, I had a reform Jewish upbringing, that ended after my Bar-Mitzvah. 

My major hobbies are Astronomy, and Photography with a bunch of minor ones thrown in for good measure. I like to say the world is my hobby, I'm in information junkie who follows the news in Science, Politics, Economics, some entertainment, and tries to stay well informed on world events. Politically I'm independant hewing to no party. I've voted for both Democrats, Republicans, and other parties. I try and pick the candidate that will do the least harm while in office.

None of the women shared these feelings. My first wife P was and is a staunch Republican/right-winger. She hated SF, etc... didn't mind the photography, and just never got the science part of me. She hates Springsteen. With a passion.  So why did we love each other enough to get married and have kids? I'm still trying to figure that out. I do know that after High School when neither of the partners we wanted to be with were available (and in my case neither my first or second choice of partner) it's entirely possible that both of us drifted together out of comfort and loneliness. I don't know for sure, and after so many years, I don't remember. I do know that we loved each other. but why I don't know.

My second wife L was a rebound when the woman who would later become my third wife rejected me and a marriage proposal that I never actually made. This devastated my spirit and I went into automatic pilot mode where I didn't care about anything or anyone. There's a lot more to say about our relationship and why it began and ended, but of all the women we shared most of the same  tasted and likes. She was also an Jewish atheist, she loved SF, fantasy, etc... as much as I did. Most importantly L was as big a Springsteen fan as I was. I finally had a partner to go to the concerts with me, to Stand in line for tickets (pre-internet days folks), to go the the record store and get the latest album at midnight of the day of release and listen to it before going to sleep. It was wonderful. But it too was doomed to failure. 

My third wife E, I actually met after P and I split. My current GF B introduced us, thought we'd make good friends. She did not expect us to fall in love, nor for us to have sex. To this day I think B was trying to keep me on ice for when she wanted to play. She of course denies this. 

E and I were probably the most diametrically opposite of partners in my life. we too had almost nothing in common save a love of books and reading. She was and as far as I know still is and fundamentalist Christian. She didn't believe in sex before marriage, but yet she and I fucked like rabbits the first years we dated.  She didn't like sci-fi etc... and didn't like Bruce either. Religion was a major bone of contention between us. and was a root cause for the failure of our marriage. 

B & I have the same discrepancies in our lives. She doesn't like Bruce, SF, etc... We have some music in common and a couple of TV shows that we watch together, but not much else. Like My relationships with P & E, B and I spend times in separate rooms when we're both home. B is a christian, but unlike E doesn't try and force it on me. She goes to church occasionally, and while she's not happy I'm an atheist, she doesn't try and convert me.

This entry has already gone far over the length I expected it to, so I'll continue the remaining patterns later.

I do however wonder why I seem to be drawn to women that I have very little in anything in common with. Or for that matter why seem drawn to me.

Yesterday....

Was a good day. I made a trip to see W. I wanted to take her out to dinner for her birthday. She chose a restaurant. it was a bit more casual than I expected. We ate, drank, and talked. We walked along the pier and talked. It was great. There was no pressure on either of us. 

The more time I spend with her the more time I want to spend with her. 

In other news; last month I submitted several photographs to the 2016-2017 Highway 2 The Journey and the Destination exhibition.
Out of over 320 submissions, and the city of Santa Clarita only allowing 40 pieces being displayed. Last night I received an email telling me that four of my images were selected for the showing.

This is the first time I've put myself out there like this and it feels amazing to have my work accepted.

The show is in Newhall from December 12th through April 12th. The opening night reception will be December 12, 6-9.

I can't explain the joy and amazement I feel at this. 

Now I have to get the images prepared for Printing, and framing. I've got no clue how to do that. Luckily I have friends that do know what's involved, so I can ask for help.

Love hurts....

We have no claim on each other or  our time away from each other. She has her own life and I mine. then why does it hurt so much when she has sex with other friends? I knew about them before we got involved. I thought I'd be better able to handle it.

I both want to and don't want to know when it happens. I think if we lived closer together and I was able to be there for her more frequently I would be better able to handle the jealously.

She knows this. We talk almost daily, She understands me and how I feel. She's known me most of my life and in some ways knows me better than I know myself.  In other ways she doesn't know me at all. She does know me better than I do her. I look forward to learning about her.

Sex with W is amazing.  She gives and she takes... Simultaneously.  She makes me feel like a pornstar.  I want her to leave scratches and bite marks,  and all the other remnants of passionate lovemaking. But both of us know she can't. I live for the day she can do so.

I feel like throwing a bombshell on my current life and getting a fresh start.  But I can't yet; for two reasons.

1: I hate scorched Earth policies. It kills everyone. Leaves no survivors. Everyone is a victim even the innocent.

2: I made a promise to W that I would work on my relationship with my girlfriend B.  I am trying to, but every day it gets harder and harder to try.

I fall asleep and wake up with a woman whom I love and who loves me, but realize that I am no longer fully in love with.

I want to sleep & wake up with W.  I hope she wants that too...

One last thing,  I had the chance to spend time with W on her birthday last night at her parents house. Her un-boyfriend was there.  He reminded me of a taller,  more socially awkward version of myself. Hell we were both dressed alike. She didn't see it. But I do.

Stream of conciousness

Yesterday was a date I hadn't thought about in 7 years, the anniversary date of my last failed marriage. I was filling out Job applications when I realized what the date was. It hit me sideways and for a few moments I really missed what I had in that relationship. The nice house we owned, a partner who was my financial equal. But then I remembered what led to me divorcing her, the fact that we really had nothing in common, her inability to accept and respect my atheism even though I respected her faith in her religion. Her depression that she didn't want to work on, The dead bedroom that resulted from her depression, and the fact that she married me because I took her virginity and she felt that no one in her religious group would want to marry a woman that was not a virgin.  Did we love each other? I know I loved her. But once again I was with a partner where I was n't her first choice and she had to settle. It's a familiar pattern throughout my life. One that I've grown tired of long before this.

Tomorrow is my friend's birthday. It kills me that I can't spend it with her. It kills me that I have to have this secret part of my life, That I can't tag her in social media when we go to do things. I hate that I don't get a chance to fall asleep with her and then wake up in the morning with her. Most of all I hate that I'm not in a position to give her the help she needs right now. I know that it's going to take time for both of us to sort out our separate lives and that I've been waiting over 30 years for this kind of  opportunity with her, so I suppose I can wait a bit longer.

I will however be taking pictures of and with her and I will keep them separate from my current photo catalogs. I have one picture of her that I've posted to social media and since she's in silhouette no one knows it her but the two of us. Everytime I see it my heart warms considerably. I'm going to make a print of it and hang it my home.

Job Hunting

I've been in database development for a long time over 25 years and Business Intelligence/Data warehousing for the last 16 years give or take. The last four and a half years I've gone back to consulting/contracting. The pay is pretty good, but for the most part there are no benefits. Which sucks as I'm getting older and am starting to need them.

Back in August I was contacted by a recruiter for a FT direct position that I'd never considered for a company that I'd never heard of that I should have come across in my travels. I worked like hell on the various interviews and hoops that were put up during the application process. I aced them all. I lost the position to another candidate that had more direct experience in the role than I did. No problem. But they were considering me for a second position that was to open up at the end of the year and I received a verbal offer and start date. Then while waiting for the official offer letter they closed the position in year end budget cuts... I was devastated to say the least. It was th efirst time I was excited about a job in a long time. I'd turned down another offer at a much better rate to try for this job.

So the job hunt continues. I've got resumes out a number of organizations both local and distant. Some might require travel and some might require relocation from Southern California, a place I've made my home for over 35 years now. Now, I've been trying to get out of California for a while now, but for some reason I keep finding reasons to stay. After my first divorce I moved to Austin Tx which I loved, but I was missing my boys growing up and the amount of time I was able to see them was too small, so I moved back to So, Cal. About 7 or 8 years later they moved to Arizona, but by then I was on my third marriage and she didn't want to move.

We finally divorced and I got together with my current GF and her kids, so once again leaving So. Cal. was off the table. B is sometimes willing and sometimes not willing to relocate. Now with my being on the hunt again and looking for work, it's possible I'd relocate, but I'd have to do it without B. Considering the issues we're currently having in the relationship, this might not be a bad thing.  But here's the latest complication:

My relationship with W. currently we're in what's best described as a FWB relationship. I've known her for over 35 years now and we keep missing a chance with each other for various reasons detailed here in other entries. Neither of us are free right now, and we both realize the need to clean house and get things straight in our own lives before we could begin to try any sort of exclusive dating/relationship. She knows how I've been crushing on her (to use a current term) for as long as I've known her. We're also very simpatico in many of the things we like.Neither of us would have to do things alone.

But she's not sure she'd want to move away from her son. I can't say I blame her. I hated moving from mine. However I recently learned just how much my moving to Austin 25 years ago hurt her. and I want to avoid that happening again. Even though there's actual ongoing nor promise of an exclusive relationship on either of our parts, there's the potential of one (assuming a lot of things fall in to place for both of us) occurring. I don't want to risk not connecting with her again. So I've been keeping her in the loop on my job search and my thoughts about relocating. I've also made sure that W knows that while I'm not basing my final job/relocation decision on our potential future, I fully intend to take her desires into consideration. By this I mean if I'm offered an interview or  position some place away from So. Cal. I would see if it's some place she'd consider moving to (this is of course working under the assumption that B & I split). If so I'd have her come on the trip to the location with me so she could get a feel for the place and see what she thinks about it.

I had a conversation with the family last night about my job hunt and the possibility of relocation. two of the three kids said they wouldn't relocate, R said he thinks I'm going to since I've made no bones about wanting to get out of So. Cal  for a long time. B said she might or might not, but since N is pregnant, I tend to doubt that she's really willing to relocate if I do. If I do relocate, I guess my relationship is over. That might be the easiest way to go.

Road trip...

With all the conflicting emotions I'm going through right now I felt I needed something to help ground me a bit.  So I took a road trip to Arizona to see my sons and spend some time with them.

This was the first trip out to see them when I wasn't on a time schedule of any kind, so I decided to take a side trip to the Salton Sea and try and get some photos of it. The Salton Sea is one of those places I've wanted to go, but never got around to it, either because I didn't have the time, or it just slipped my mind when I did, or I was just too damn lazy to make the drive.

I did no preparation and had no idea what to expect except decay, and water. I got a few shots that I liked, but while walking back to my car, I stepped on a spot and immediately sunk to my knees in muck. Horrid putrid muck.... My sandals basically fell apart and I had to walk back to car barefoot, and covered in this crap. My legs were scratched up and I was fortunate that there was an RV that had come to take a look at the same area and they let me hose off my legs. Their dogs had rolled around in some dead stuff, so they were also being hosed off. I drove to a couple of gas stations to get the rest of the muck off of me. It's not easy trying to wash your legs and feet in a gas station bathroom sink.

I also visited Imperial Sand Dunes. Pretty neat places.  I'll try and hit up Salton Sea on my way home as there's a lot I didn't see there.

When I rolled into my my AirBnB I immediately took a shower to  get the rest off. and spent time with my kids.

Go see Doctor Strange in 3D, if not IMAX 3D. It is the type of movie that demands it. Plotwise it's an origin story and reminded me a bit of the first Iron Man. But it was good.

My GF was not happy that I took this trip, especially with no income coming in, and I don't blame her. But it's been too long since I spent any real time with my boys. One of them has a girlfriend and I really wanted to meet her. She's sweet, and I think being in a relationship is helping my son a lot.

For some reason my girlfriend has problems with me hanging out with my kids at my ex-wife's house. She doesn't get that any anger and resentment I had over our divorce and subsequent court battle of alimony and child support is water under the bridge and totally burnt out of me. My ex is for most parts a genuinely nice person who always welcomes visitors to her home. We did it when we were married, and she's continued to do so. I've stayed at her home when visiting in the past.

There's zero interest of any further relationship on either of our parts, Hell she's been married for over 20 years. I don't get my GF's being upset at me. She's know my ex for over 30 years as well. She didn't have a lot to do with her over most of that time.

I remain on a friendly basis with most of my ex's I feel that if I loved them enough to marry them why can't we remain friends after the marriage is over. They're still the same person for the most part, as am I.

I don't know, am I unique in this aspect of remaining friends with exes? I'd love to hear from anyone about this.

Love languages redux

My girlfriend took her Love Languages quiz. and her scores are as follows:

Her Scores:

9 Acts of Service

8 Quality Time

8 Receiving Gifts

3 Words of Affirmation

2 Physical Touch

Mine by comparison are:

8 Physical Touch

7 Quality Time

6 Acts of Service

6 Words of Affirmation

3 Receiving Gifts

As you can see there's a great disparity in how we communicate love for one another. With my top being Physical touch, and that being her lowest, is it any wonder why we're having issues in the bedroom?

I really don't know how to deal with this issue. I can do things around the house, I can definitely try to  change my habit and not be on my phone as much. She considers bringing her a cup of coffee as a gift great I can do that.

I can touch her less even though it kills me not to do so. What I can't do, is force her to touch me or even want to touch me.  let alone me touch her.

I'm really beginning to feel that our only recourse is to break up or have a relationship where I can have a FWB with her full knowledge and consent. I don't see that happening however.

Is there any hope for us?

Miscommunications and missed opportunities

This past year I turned 53, and several events have compelled me to look back at my life both professionally and personally, Back in my murky past, and by this I mean high school, that festering cesspool of hormones and learning that we all love to hate, I met a couple of girls who had a big influence on me and my life in general.

The first was a girl (P) I met in my Junior year and we had our ups and downs, getting together and breakups.  Kind of standard fare for those years. She ran into problems in the school we were attending and her parents pulled her out and moved her to another school. There she met a guy who would be her first choice. they too would have their ups and downs and eventually marry, but first she would become my first wife and mother to my twin boys.  Our marriage was good, but ultimately based on both of us settling for less than our first choice in partners. I guess from that perspective it was doomed to failure.

The other girl I met in senior year in high school (let's call her W) was my first choice at the time but ultimately our relationship was doomed to never start let alone doomed to end. This was due I'm finding out neither of us being able to communicate with each other, instead we communicated past each other. Neither of us ever knowing the way we truly felt about each other. I think she was the first woman who I truly felt love for. We dated a couple of times, but it never turned into an exclusive for us for one reason or another lost to the mists of time.

As an example, take senior prom and grad night. I'd originally planned to go with P (who by this time was out of my school and dating the boy who was her first choice) , even though I really wanted to go with W,  who in reality was my first choice. But I was under the impression that W was dating someone else and was thus unavailable to go with me to prom. I recently found out that this was erroneous thinking on my part. By extension, W wanted to go to prom with me, but thought I was going with P by choice. So she went with someone else too. So because neither of of communicated with each other well, we both missed going to prom with the person we really wanted to go with, Each other....  I now wonder what would've become of us if only we'd talked.

W and I would drift through each other's lives over the ensuing years and relationships, never both being single at the same time, missing each other sometimes by years, sometimes by months. My love for her never really faded, but morphed into a good friendship that I felt was fated to be our lot in life. Yet I always had that one regret that we never had a chance to be a couple with all that entails.

There's a lot more to W & I, that may or may not have bearing on the choices I made in life, all again based on the fact that our timing was off  for each being available to each other, and not being effective at communicating with each other. There've been times that I've not been the best friend I could've been, but some of that was due to not knowing what was going on in her life. There's that communications thing again.

We've recently gotten back in touch with each other and I asked her to go someplace that was important to me, that my girlfriend refused to accompany me to. W initially said yes she'd join me, but ultimately was unable to . But we made plans to meet at something else I was going to. This date (and yes it was a date from my perspective) afforded us a great deal of time to talk, to discover things about each other, and just bask in companionship. Both of us are in a similar situation with our respective relationships, contemplating ending them (though in an act of self sacrifice I'm not sure I understand completely she's encouraging me to work on my rocky relationship with my GF) .

If we do end our current relationships with other people, I fully intend to not miss another opportunity to try with her. I have no idea where it would go, and I'm afraid of possibly ruining a great friendship. We're pretty much caught each other up on our pasts, and current situations, including things I'd never told anyone else and she still wants to be around me. that's a big relief to me, because I've done things I'm not proud of and didn't really want to reveal. but she deserved to know who she was  dealing with.  I know I look forward to seeing her each time we get together.

I need to get better at communicating not only with W but other people in my life. It's a skill I'm working on.