And a Happy New Year

After the debacle that was Christmas this year I was really looking forward to my date with W a couple of days after. Like me W is a geek. She loves Scifi/fantasy comics etc... her and I both came to Doctor Who in the 1970s with Tom Baker as the 4th Doctor to take up residence in the Tardis. So when I found out that the new Doctor Who Christmas special was going to be in the theaters (this happens on a regular basis and I always go).  I asked W is she wanted to go and she agreed. She wasn't familiar with the new Doctor, but she wanted to check it out. I got us tickets and I was really hoping that she would be able to get off of work early enough for us to spend some time alone in a hotel room. After all with everything going on with the holidays and our schedules and distance being what they are, we haven't had sex since October. I was really craving some. But it was not to be.

While we were talking on Christmas Day W told me that she had a cold sore and wanted to refrain from kissing. I thought she was kidding. This was mistake number one. Me making light of it was mistake number two.

We'd agreed on a restaurant  @ Universal City Walk for dinner. As the movie was playing there and it was halfway between where we both lived. I made reservations and was excited to see her. We talked most of the way on the commute there, and when we met up at the parking garage I gave her a kiss. And this became the beginning of mistake number three and why I'm so miserable today. 

I did something I rarely do, I shared a prime rib. It's weird, I never split a dish with anyone and  and usually eat one by myself, and yet the last two times W and I have had dinner we split the dish between us and I wasn't hungry afterwards.  Dinner service was slow, and we barely made it to the movie theater for the start of the show. nice reclining seats, very comfortable. Holding hands with W or having her snuggle up against me was divine. 

She liked the show and afterwards we walked around City walk, got coffee and enjoyed each other's company. It felt so right. Of course till I had to say good night and we went our seperate ways. We didn't talk on the way back, but I did get a text telling me she got home safe and few minutes later I texted her the same. that's when I learned of the error of my ways. 

I knew she didn't want to kiss due to her cold sore (which she said was getting better), but throughout the night I kept kissing her. I was wrong to do so. I didn't respect her wishes,  her boundaries. The movie and and rest of the night with her was great. I couldn't resist kissing her even though they were pecks and not full out kissing like we typically do.

In the texts from the end of the night she explained why she was upset. and that I disappointed her. I understood and apologized. We've shared a couple of texts, but she basically told me that she's avoiding talking to me. Yet she says we're okay. I don't understand that. If we're okay, then why not talk to me? 

I've not had any contact with W aside from a few terse texts since Tues. I understand I screwed up badly and it's going to take a lot to earn back her trust. I'm going to honor my agreement not to contact her and let her get in touch with me. We have another date scheduled for later in January and at this point I don't know if I'm going alone or if she'll be joining me. 

I hope she has a good New Year's Eve. I know that I won't be. Aside from the fact that I've been fighting a stomach flue since Weds. morning, the weather is grey and drizzling and fully matches my gloomy mood.

Happy New Year's everyone. 2017 has to be better than 2016.

Merry Christmas.

First things first, Christmas this year sucked.  Due to several reasons, the first being that I have been out of work for about 4 months,  and all my money went to keeping this household afloat.  Something that the other adults in the household should be contributing to. Aside from my girlfriend (and she hates to be called that)  B who buys the majority of food for us, I pay 100% of the rest of the bills. But I digress, I didn't have money to buy gifts and of course no one else did either. So all we bad were stocking stuffers.  Quite a let down ftom previous years.  Not that I (or any other family member) really needed any more material things.

Ths second reason was that I wasn't able to spend it with W.  Due to our schedules, we didn't get to talk during our commutes since her un-BF took her on a trip to San Diego for a couple of days. I finally had a chance to to talk with W for a couple of hours via phone on Christmas day, but couldn't see her. That was sad, but we had a date planned for a couple of days later where I would be able to see her.

Lastly, B had to work both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.  So there wasn't really any time for her to enjoy the holiday. And I was in charge of the Christmas dinner. This was not a problem, as for the most part we ordered Christmas dinner from the same place we did Thanksgiving dinner. Exchanging ghe turkey for a glazed ham. Which meant that I also had to make some cornish game hens for B's daughter N & her boyfriend C since N doesn't eat pork or beef.

No big deal I've cooked them before with good results. Since I was warming up the sides at the same time, I cooked the hens and sides at 400° as opposed to the 350 called for, I also added extra time.

Everything was ready when B got home from work.  She double checked the birds and called them done as well.  We thought finally something going ok.  But then N cut into her bird and saw some pink. Thst was it.  She threw a shit fit and refused to eat anything, said she didn't like the sides from the place and went to her room.  B at least called her out on her attitude and tried to salvage the meal for her by trying to finish the hens in the microwave.

I felt bad for C, since he was caught unawares and in the middle of this tirade.  I don't know if he will be able to survive her.  He's a sweet kid,  but roped himself to a demon. B's oldest son R looked at us and said "I am not doing this again next year.".  I thought to myself you and me both.

Update on a couple of things

For the biggest update, I am back at work after tbree months of unemployment. I started last week at a company that wanted to bring me on as a full-time direct hire, but my salary wad too high for the position. But rather than passing me over for someone less expensive, the converted the position to a contract/contract to hire one.  This lets them bring me in at close to my asking price, but then convert me at a higher salary band.  My only concern is what impact Trump coming into office will have. If he kills ObamaCare, will it have any repercussions to the business? But as it is healthcare related,  there could be both good and bad issues. I will just have to wait and see.

I am still keeping my eyes and ears open to opportunities in the are where W lives.  Since the 100 miles distance makes it hard to see each other on a regular basis. I have an interview with a company about 30 miles south of her,  set up for later this week.  It's for more money than I am making here,  but the cost of living is higher than here (and as I am working on my exit plan housing costs are a consideration for me since I am try to cut expenses.).

I had the opening night of the exhibition a week ago and I was pleased to see my photos displayed like that.  B went with me, but W was not able to make it. I was disappointed, but in retrospect, I really want the first time she sees them to be just her and I. I wanted my first time seeing them to be us alone as well.

There was a video shown that included all of the images I submitted. I don't know if that will still be there the next time I go, or if it's online somewhere. I did however sell two prints,  so I guess I am now a professional photographer. 

A revelation, ending and another pattern

B & I went out to breakfast a couple of days after the grenade about me talking with W went off in my face.

It was really the first time that we'd had a chance to talk and discuss our relationship and where it stands. She told me some things that really didn't surprise me given her history with her husband and how it related to what I've been doing. First, is that she feels I cheated, even if I have not slept with W (We have and that she does not know about, not to mention our sexual texts to each other) by discussing and seeking outside advice about our bedroom problems. Second, that she's starting to look at apartments for herself. That she would rather live in destitute poverty than live with a cheater. I can't say I blame her, and considering I've been planning my exit strategy for a while now only makes it fair. I don't expect any major changes in living arrangements till after the new year. But I guess it's over. For so long I've lived with the dream of having a loving relationship with B. It was something that everyone who knows me knew. I was absolutely and totally in love with her. But over the past seven years, the bloom has come off the rose and I no longer see us growing old together. It would be easy to say it's all her fault, but that would be a lie.

I'm as much at fault as she is. I refuse to live in a relationship where we essentially live separate lives, having few common interests. Where we co-exist, but don't really do much together and my needs are largely ignored. I'm not willing to live in a relationship where intimacy is limited by one person, and then hear her complain it's rote and we're in a rut when she refuses to try anything new or different.

I never expected to hate two of my step children to the point that I don't want to be around them. I want a true partner, one who stands by me and supports me as I do her. Not one who derides me and my likes even as she says that my intelligence is what she finds attractive. One of my best friends said he saw this coming along time ago and isn't surprised by the relationship ending.

I'm sad, hurt, and still trying to process the end of a life long dream of mine. A dream that's defined me most of my life. I'm going to miss her, her smile, her sense of humor, our 30+ years of friendship and support for each other. I think that's going to be the hardest thing to adjust being without.

But this also brings up the second half of my post's title another pattern I've recognized in myself and my relationships. It seems that I return back to my past time and time again. My first wife and I met in high school and had an on again/off again relationship for several years. A year after I met P, I met W, and I fell hard for her Much harder than I fell for P. Unfortunately for us we never told each other how we felt and opportunities and potentialities fell by the wayside This was a pattern for me & W that we would repeat for over 30 years until we put an end to it the past few months. I don't know maybe we both needed the time and experiences we've each endured to allow us to truly appreciate each other and what we might have.

After P and I split up, B introduced me to a friend of hers E. B didn't expect either of us to fall for each other, but we did & while it ultimately failed for reasons to complex to get into now, it was a move forward.

I have repeatedly gone back to to the same women I've previously dated. I don't know why this is, but  I need to think about it some more before I do a disservice to someone else that I love. Examples of my repeating pattern:

P and I repeatedly broke up and got back together several times until we ultimately married and divorced.

E and I did the same thing, We dated, broke up, and dated & broke up then married and divorced.

Mine and B's whole life has been one of cheating with each other/semi dating, then going back to our normal lives, rinse and repeat until six years ago when we decided to move in together. Now we're breaking up. Something I never ever expected to happen.

And now I find myself once again revisiting my past, though W and I went on a few dates together in HS, and occasionally got together over the years, it's not been until now that we've had a chance to explore the possibility of an us. I'm not afraid of that possibility, I welcome it. What I am afraid of however, is it failing and me losing another dear friend to my incompetence with relationships.

Our talks on W's commutes has allowed us to clear up a lot of misunderstandings that we've had and discover old and new things about each other, likes, dislikes, things to try and do, etc....

Due to the distance between us, and the current situation we're both in, we're not able to see each other as often as I'd like (she's going to have to speak for herself on that question). I'm hoping that changes after the New Year. once we both have more clarity on our current lives.

I done fucked up... Maybe

A few posts back I mentioned how I was planning my exit strategy and thought I might throw a bomb into my life and watch it explode. Well I may have inadvertently done so this morning and It's all my fault.

W has a long commute to and from work, and we typically chat on her drives. I tend to be the only one up at 6:30am and can talk with her in private. Well this morning, B got up uncharacteristically early, and overheard part of our conversation, well my half since I almost always use earbuds or a bluetooth earpiece.

Needless to say the caca impacted the rotary impeller. She doesn't know the extent of the relationship between me and W. She doesn't know that we have slept together, doesn't know that I've gone up there a few times to see her. But she suspects both of those. B said that for all she knows W went to Mt. Wilson with me, but does not know for sure. All she knows for sure is that we talk on the phone.

When asked why, I told her the truth, that both W and I are in similar dead bedroom situations, and we are a mutual support group for each other. That I need an outside perspective. and that W has been urging me to work on saving the relationship. B was understandably upset at me sharing details of our sex life with another woman, but I reminded her that she served the exact same role when I was in conflict over my last marriage being in a similar place.

Right now she's lost trust in me and rightfully so. She's not talking to me and any progress we've made has been set back tremendously. I'm not surprised considering her husband cheated on her and lead a secret double life for over 20 years even going so far as to swear their kids into no revealing the true situation to their mom.

Am I a piece of shit for doing this knowing what I do about her history and how it affected her? Yes I am. And I am sorry that it came to this. I never wanted it to. I never meant to hurt her. I wanted our relationship to end as amicably as possible. I knew she'd be hurt when I told her I wanted out, but I really wanted more time to get my plans in place and give her a chance to get her plan in place too. Unlike 7 years ago I can't rent a place and then continue to pay for my old house. When E and I split up we were both equal contributors to the mortgage, so I was able to pay my half for a few months while renting a place as well. But 7 yeasrs has seen a housing price hike, and I shoulder the entire rent burden on my own as well as all utilities. So when I break the lease that's it, we all have to find a new place to live.

W asked me if I wanted to try and salvage the relationship with B. And honestly I don't think I want to. I've been in love with her longer than any one person. When we got together 7 years ago I thought this was it. I had everything I wanted in a relationship. She's asked me many times over the past few years why I'm with her, why I love her. and I don't have a good answer. We really have nothing in common past a few music acts, cooking, travel (all paid by me) and 30+ years of shared love/friendship. We don't like the same movies or TV shows, and she has no interest in my astronomy and just a little in my photography. She says she loves me for my big brain when I ask her the same question. I'm so tired of doing things alone, I had that in my last marriage, and I duplicated in this relationship. Will I ever learn? At least W and I share a lot of common interests. The more her and I talk the more I find out about how alike we are.

For example, when I went up to see her on Monday and see a movie with her, I suggested a New York style deli for dinner. She told me great, and that she loves bagels and lox. A meal I absolutely love. When she goes to the county fairs, she likes to look at everything like I do. Despite others that she might be with getting bored. The same goes for museums. I hate being rushed, B and her kids are not real happy when I look at everything and read the notations at the exhibits. I mean How else are you supposed to learn anything about what you're looking at?

I don't know. Maybe it's better that the Bandaid gets pulled off all at once instead of little by little.

The Pretender

Thanksgiving 2016 is now over and it's been an interesting day for me. It started with B and I talking last night while doing some last minute shopping for tonight's dinner. She jokingly picked up a can of sauerkraut and said "Should I get this?". Considering the effect it has on her stomach and farting, I jokingly replied "Do you want me to move out?".  Her reply was very pointed and told me that she did in fact hear what I said earlier in the week, "You're already planning on moving out so why not." Considering that she'd not mentioned anything about my comment in the past few days, I didn't think she really paid attention to it.

It continued this morning, lounging in bed  than we intended talking. B said we should rent a cabin in Big Bear for the weekend and spend the entire time in bed. This shocked the hell out of me as many times I've suggested something along the same lines only to be shot down cold. I reminded her that it would involve sex, lots of sex and that she had refused similar offers in the past. She came back with "I know, I suggested it... Don't question, Just revel in it." I don't know if this is just an attempt at trying to hold on to the relationship and things would just revert to the normal dead bedroom at some later date, or if she's honestly trying to change her outlook and improve our sex life. I do know that she still refuses to give me any oral sex, claiming she doesn't like doing it. I've told her that it doesn't have to be every time, but once in a while is all I ask. It's been over 5 years since I've had a BJ. I really want one. to completion. I'd kill someone for one.

It's really hard to pretend that there's going to be another Thanksgiving dinner with my current family. B kept talking about what we'd do different next year, how she wants to get serving bowls and utensils for next year. All the while I'm thinking yeah... I'm not going to be here next Thanksgiving. Hell, I'm expecting to be gone by late Jan/early Feb. I just can't see myself continuing to live in this current situation. Between her kids and the DB situation, I find it untenable. I just don't know how much longer I can keep up the charade.

Exit Plan...

That's it... I'm done. I'm out. I can't take it anymore.

I've started formulating my exit from my current relationship with B and her kids. It started on Monday night when I got back from seeing W. I stopped by B's work to talk with her beheading home. She wasn't going to be home until around 1:30am or so and I'd be fast asleep by then. While we were talking, she brought up the topic of our once a week sex life. A few weeks ago I challenged her to have sex once a week since our usual span was once every 3-8 weeks and I wanted it more frequently than that. I said it was getting better but I'd still prefer more frequent sex. 

She thinks once a week is fine any more and it wouldn't be as intense. What she fails to understand no matter how many times I explain it, what makes it intense is her active participation. Her touching me and wanting to be touched. I still don't get any oral from her and her foreplay consists of just kissing me, running her hands over my body and her occasionally grabbing my cock and stroking it. Not really intense from my perspective, but much better than it has been the last few years. I still do the lion's share of the work.


It continued Thursday night when B, her middle child (a son) and I went out to dinner. Her oldest and youngest were at a hockey game. The dinner conversation was so ironic it kills me. It finally convinced me that there's really no hope and no reason to stay. Her son T was lamenting about the state of his and his girlfriend's relationship.

Apparently in the year they've been going out, they've had sex twice. They're 27 years old btw. There's a few other other issues between them besides the Dead Bedroom but they're not germain to the conversation at hand.

My LL GF was telling him that this was a red flag of major proportions. And I agreed. She said that perhaps he should find someone more sexually compatible with him.

Oh man the irony in that answer.

When we got home, I asked if she saw the irony in the situation.

She said and I quote, "it's different, they're young"

I said age doesn't matter. She replied that I am delusional.

I'm delusional.... I let that sink in.. For what wanting a healthy physical relationship with the woman I love and have loved most of my life? 

This just made my decision so much easier. I finally realized that I'm fighting a losing battle. 

Then Friday night was the final straw for me. We were driving along with her pregnant daughter N to the store to get some fixings for Thanksgiving dinner. Now before I continue, N & and I have a very contentious relationship. She's a very rude, dismissive, quarrelsome young woman who has moments of sweetness. Everyone in the family has felt her biting commentary. Her brother T wants nothing to do with her and goes out of his way to avoid her. The eldest son R feed into her and when the two of them start arguing I want to get out of the house as quickly as I can. I can usually handle one or the other just fine but th etwo of them together forget it. I think about running and never going back.

Back to the story at hand: The lane I was in had some construction ahead and was closed. Both B & N yelled at me like I didn't see it and that I should have gotten over much sooner. I'd had enough. I pulled over and got out of the car and told them both that I'm no longer driving someone else can drive. I'm tired of hearing crap from the back seat drivers. 

I told them both to shut up. N lashes out and says "Don't ever tell me or my mom to shut up" I tell her I'll say waht ever I want. Mind you now we're in my car. I should have told her to get out and walk but I'm not that mean.

I told them that I'm done, I can't take this any more and that as soon as I can, I am moving out. N says fine we don't need you. I thought to myself oh yeah, lets see, I pay the rent, utilities, insurance her mom's cell phone, Cable, internet, etc... Without me they'd be homeless. phone less, with one car between the three of them. T has his own car is the only responsible child. R hasn't worked in two years and is not looking, N has never had a job despite being 22 years old. None of the three help out in the house unless cajoled. 

I'm tired of being in a family where 3/5s of them don't do shit for the household. Good fucking riddance I say. 

At this point I don't care what happens to them. Where they live or don't live. 

I'll be starting a new job after Thanksgiving and I once I save up some money I'm out. I don't care if I move into an apartment for a few months. I'll take my stuff, some furniture and pots and pans that I came into the relationship with and move out. 

 I. AM. DONE.

FUD

According to Wikipedia "Fear, uncertainty and doubt (often shortened to FUD) is a disinformation strategy used in sales, marketing, public relations, talk radio, politics, religion, and propaganda. FUD is generally a strategy to influence perception by disseminating negative and dubious or false information and a manifestation of the appeal to fear."

I believe that my brain is sending me disinformation. Before you laugh out loud, let me explain. 

I've been jealous of W's relationships with her other fwb's. As I've explained before I have no right to be jealous, we're not exclusive to each other and it will take quite some time before we are even capable of attempting such a feat. 

I came to the realization last night before falling asleep that I'm deathly afraid of losing her again. Not that I ever had her to lose, but this is where the old mental mind-fuckery comes into play. Whether or not W believes that she was my first crush all those years ago is kind of irellevant to the discussion. in my mind and my feelings she was.

While we've never had (or maybe we did and never recognized it for what it was) a chance to have a relationship as a couple, we have a possibility of a chance and I'm not willing to let it go. I had a nightmare last night about W's trip this weekend to spend time with one of her FWBs. I dreamed that she decided not to come home from that trip. That he was more of an appealing partner than I am. Maybe he's better in bed, or has a larger dick. I don't know and don't want to know that. In the dream I was crushed to have lost before I could even enter the fight. 

So there's the fear and uncertainty my brain is feeding me and it creates doubt and insecurity on my part.  so all parts of FUD are there. 

I need to learn to stop living in my brain so much, and just let things be and progress at their natural pace.

Even though I've explained this all to her and she said in no uncertain terms that she's coming home on Sunday. My brain is still trying to fuck me over with doubt.

The other part that bothers me that I really really hate myself for, is I really don't want to think about her having sex with some other guy. I shouldn't feel so possessive over her.  But the thought of it makes my guts clench up. 

How the hell to I learn to deal with that aspect of our relationship? It's likely to be the reality unless I move close enough to her that we can see each other with some frequency, or we become exclusive. I don't see the latter happening any time soon, though I'm working hard on finding a job near her.

I wish I could go back in time and slap younger self upside the head and tell me not to be afraid to pursue her. 

FUCK!!!!!

Patterns of force

Putting myself under my own microscope of introspection and reflection this past year has led to some interesting pattern recognition about myself and my relationships with the various women in my life, and this is what's led me to write this blog. It's a way to help clear my brain and try to make sense of the confusion.

I've been married three times now and have been living with my girlfriend B for the past 6 years. 

In each of my relationships, there's been a few distinct commonalities that I noticed. 

1: Most of the women that I've loved and I have had very few shared interests. 

I'm a techie who works in I.T. and has almost my entire career. I'm a geek that loves Science Fiction, Horror, and some fantasy. I'm a huge fan of Bruce Springsteen and have seen him over 40 times in the last 36 years. 

I'm a lifelong atheist. I've never believed in any deity, I had a reform Jewish upbringing, that ended after my Bar-Mitzvah. 

My major hobbies are Astronomy, and Photography with a bunch of minor ones thrown in for good measure. I like to say the world is my hobby, I'm in information junkie who follows the news in Science, Politics, Economics, some entertainment, and tries to stay well informed on world events. Politically I'm independant hewing to no party. I've voted for both Democrats, Republicans, and other parties. I try and pick the candidate that will do the least harm while in office.

None of the women shared these feelings. My first wife P was and is a staunch Republican/right-winger. She hated SF, etc... didn't mind the photography, and just never got the science part of me. She hates Springsteen. With a passion.  So why did we love each other enough to get married and have kids? I'm still trying to figure that out. I do know that after High School when neither of the partners we wanted to be with were available (and in my case neither my first or second choice of partner) it's entirely possible that both of us drifted together out of comfort and loneliness. I don't know for sure, and after so many years, I don't remember. I do know that we loved each other. but why I don't know.

My second wife L was a rebound when the woman who would later become my third wife rejected me and a marriage proposal that I never actually made. This devastated my spirit and I went into automatic pilot mode where I didn't care about anything or anyone. There's a lot more to say about our relationship and why it began and ended, but of all the women we shared most of the same  tasted and likes. She was also an Jewish atheist, she loved SF, fantasy, etc... as much as I did. Most importantly L was as big a Springsteen fan as I was. I finally had a partner to go to the concerts with me, to Stand in line for tickets (pre-internet days folks), to go the the record store and get the latest album at midnight of the day of release and listen to it before going to sleep. It was wonderful. But it too was doomed to failure. 

My third wife E, I actually met after P and I split. My current GF B introduced us, thought we'd make good friends. She did not expect us to fall in love, nor for us to have sex. To this day I think B was trying to keep me on ice for when she wanted to play. She of course denies this. 

E and I were probably the most diametrically opposite of partners in my life. we too had almost nothing in common save a love of books and reading. She was and as far as I know still is and fundamentalist Christian. She didn't believe in sex before marriage, but yet she and I fucked like rabbits the first years we dated.  She didn't like sci-fi etc... and didn't like Bruce either. Religion was a major bone of contention between us. and was a root cause for the failure of our marriage. 

B & I have the same discrepancies in our lives. She doesn't like Bruce, SF, etc... We have some music in common and a couple of TV shows that we watch together, but not much else. Like My relationships with P & E, B and I spend times in separate rooms when we're both home. B is a christian, but unlike E doesn't try and force it on me. She goes to church occasionally, and while she's not happy I'm an atheist, she doesn't try and convert me.

This entry has already gone far over the length I expected it to, so I'll continue the remaining patterns later.

I do however wonder why I seem to be drawn to women that I have very little in anything in common with. Or for that matter why seem drawn to me.

Yesterday....

Was a good day. I made a trip to see W. I wanted to take her out to dinner for her birthday. She chose a restaurant. it was a bit more casual than I expected. We ate, drank, and talked. We walked along the pier and talked. It was great. There was no pressure on either of us. 

The more time I spend with her the more time I want to spend with her. 

In other news; last month I submitted several photographs to the 2016-2017 Highway 2 The Journey and the Destination exhibition.
Out of over 320 submissions, and the city of Santa Clarita only allowing 40 pieces being displayed. Last night I received an email telling me that four of my images were selected for the showing.

This is the first time I've put myself out there like this and it feels amazing to have my work accepted.

The show is in Newhall from December 12th through April 12th. The opening night reception will be December 12, 6-9.

I can't explain the joy and amazement I feel at this. 

Now I have to get the images prepared for Printing, and framing. I've got no clue how to do that. Luckily I have friends that do know what's involved, so I can ask for help.

Love hurts....

We have no claim on each other or  our time away from each other. She has her own life and I mine. then why does it hurt so much when she has sex with other friends? I knew about them before we got involved. I thought I'd be better able to handle it.

I both want to and don't want to know when it happens. I think if we lived closer together and I was able to be there for her more frequently I would be better able to handle the jealously.

She knows this. We talk almost daily, She understands me and how I feel. She's known me most of my life and in some ways knows me better than I know myself.  In other ways she doesn't know me at all. She does know me better than I do her. I look forward to learning about her.

Sex with W is amazing.  She gives and she takes... Simultaneously.  She makes me feel like a pornstar.  I want her to leave scratches and bite marks,  and all the other remnants of passionate lovemaking. But both of us know she can't. I live for the day she can do so.

I feel like throwing a bombshell on my current life and getting a fresh start.  But I can't yet; for two reasons.

1: I hate scorched Earth policies. It kills everyone. Leaves no survivors. Everyone is a victim even the innocent.

2: I made a promise to W that I would work on my relationship with my girlfriend B.  I am trying to, but every day it gets harder and harder to try.

I fall asleep and wake up with a woman whom I love and who loves me, but realize that I am no longer fully in love with.

I want to sleep & wake up with W.  I hope she wants that too...

One last thing,  I had the chance to spend time with W on her birthday last night at her parents house. Her un-boyfriend was there.  He reminded me of a taller,  more socially awkward version of myself. Hell we were both dressed alike. She didn't see it. But I do.

Stream of conciousness

Yesterday was a date I hadn't thought about in 7 years, the anniversary date of my last failed marriage. I was filling out Job applications when I realized what the date was. It hit me sideways and for a few moments I really missed what I had in that relationship. The nice house we owned, a partner who was my financial equal. But then I remembered what led to me divorcing her, the fact that we really had nothing in common, her inability to accept and respect my atheism even though I respected her faith in her religion. Her depression that she didn't want to work on, The dead bedroom that resulted from her depression, and the fact that she married me because I took her virginity and she felt that no one in her religious group would want to marry a woman that was not a virgin.  Did we love each other? I know I loved her. But once again I was with a partner where I was n't her first choice and she had to settle. It's a familiar pattern throughout my life. One that I've grown tired of long before this.

Tomorrow is my friend's birthday. It kills me that I can't spend it with her. It kills me that I have to have this secret part of my life, That I can't tag her in social media when we go to do things. I hate that I don't get a chance to fall asleep with her and then wake up in the morning with her. Most of all I hate that I'm not in a position to give her the help she needs right now. I know that it's going to take time for both of us to sort out our separate lives and that I've been waiting over 30 years for this kind of  opportunity with her, so I suppose I can wait a bit longer.

I will however be taking pictures of and with her and I will keep them separate from my current photo catalogs. I have one picture of her that I've posted to social media and since she's in silhouette no one knows it her but the two of us. Everytime I see it my heart warms considerably. I'm going to make a print of it and hang it my home.

Job Hunting

I've been in database development for a long time over 25 years and Business Intelligence/Data warehousing for the last 16 years give or take. The last four and a half years I've gone back to consulting/contracting. The pay is pretty good, but for the most part there are no benefits. Which sucks as I'm getting older and am starting to need them.

Back in August I was contacted by a recruiter for a FT direct position that I'd never considered for a company that I'd never heard of that I should have come across in my travels. I worked like hell on the various interviews and hoops that were put up during the application process. I aced them all. I lost the position to another candidate that had more direct experience in the role than I did. No problem. But they were considering me for a second position that was to open up at the end of the year and I received a verbal offer and start date. Then while waiting for the official offer letter they closed the position in year end budget cuts... I was devastated to say the least. It was th efirst time I was excited about a job in a long time. I'd turned down another offer at a much better rate to try for this job.

So the job hunt continues. I've got resumes out a number of organizations both local and distant. Some might require travel and some might require relocation from Southern California, a place I've made my home for over 35 years now. Now, I've been trying to get out of California for a while now, but for some reason I keep finding reasons to stay. After my first divorce I moved to Austin Tx which I loved, but I was missing my boys growing up and the amount of time I was able to see them was too small, so I moved back to So, Cal. About 7 or 8 years later they moved to Arizona, but by then I was on my third marriage and she didn't want to move.

We finally divorced and I got together with my current GF and her kids, so once again leaving So. Cal. was off the table. B is sometimes willing and sometimes not willing to relocate. Now with my being on the hunt again and looking for work, it's possible I'd relocate, but I'd have to do it without B. Considering the issues we're currently having in the relationship, this might not be a bad thing.  But here's the latest complication:

My relationship with W. currently we're in what's best described as a FWB relationship. I've known her for over 35 years now and we keep missing a chance with each other for various reasons detailed here in other entries. Neither of us are free right now, and we both realize the need to clean house and get things straight in our own lives before we could begin to try any sort of exclusive dating/relationship. She knows how I've been crushing on her (to use a current term) for as long as I've known her. We're also very simpatico in many of the things we like.Neither of us would have to do things alone.

But she's not sure she'd want to move away from her son. I can't say I blame her. I hated moving from mine. However I recently learned just how much my moving to Austin 25 years ago hurt her. and I want to avoid that happening again. Even though there's actual ongoing nor promise of an exclusive relationship on either of our parts, there's the potential of one (assuming a lot of things fall in to place for both of us) occurring. I don't want to risk not connecting with her again. So I've been keeping her in the loop on my job search and my thoughts about relocating. I've also made sure that W knows that while I'm not basing my final job/relocation decision on our potential future, I fully intend to take her desires into consideration. By this I mean if I'm offered an interview or  position some place away from So. Cal. I would see if it's some place she'd consider moving to (this is of course working under the assumption that B & I split). If so I'd have her come on the trip to the location with me so she could get a feel for the place and see what she thinks about it.

I had a conversation with the family last night about my job hunt and the possibility of relocation. two of the three kids said they wouldn't relocate, R said he thinks I'm going to since I've made no bones about wanting to get out of So. Cal  for a long time. B said she might or might not, but since N is pregnant, I tend to doubt that she's really willing to relocate if I do. If I do relocate, I guess my relationship is over. That might be the easiest way to go.

Road trip...

With all the conflicting emotions I'm going through right now I felt I needed something to help ground me a bit.  So I took a road trip to Arizona to see my sons and spend some time with them.

This was the first trip out to see them when I wasn't on a time schedule of any kind, so I decided to take a side trip to the Salton Sea and try and get some photos of it. The Salton Sea is one of those places I've wanted to go, but never got around to it, either because I didn't have the time, or it just slipped my mind when I did, or I was just too damn lazy to make the drive.

I did no preparation and had no idea what to expect except decay, and water. I got a few shots that I liked, but while walking back to my car, I stepped on a spot and immediately sunk to my knees in muck. Horrid putrid muck.... My sandals basically fell apart and I had to walk back to car barefoot, and covered in this crap. My legs were scratched up and I was fortunate that there was an RV that had come to take a look at the same area and they let me hose off my legs. Their dogs had rolled around in some dead stuff, so they were also being hosed off. I drove to a couple of gas stations to get the rest of the muck off of me. It's not easy trying to wash your legs and feet in a gas station bathroom sink.

I also visited Imperial Sand Dunes. Pretty neat places.  I'll try and hit up Salton Sea on my way home as there's a lot I didn't see there.

When I rolled into my my AirBnB I immediately took a shower to  get the rest off. and spent time with my kids.

Go see Doctor Strange in 3D, if not IMAX 3D. It is the type of movie that demands it. Plotwise it's an origin story and reminded me a bit of the first Iron Man. But it was good.

My GF was not happy that I took this trip, especially with no income coming in, and I don't blame her. But it's been too long since I spent any real time with my boys. One of them has a girlfriend and I really wanted to meet her. She's sweet, and I think being in a relationship is helping my son a lot.

For some reason my girlfriend has problems with me hanging out with my kids at my ex-wife's house. She doesn't get that any anger and resentment I had over our divorce and subsequent court battle of alimony and child support is water under the bridge and totally burnt out of me. My ex is for most parts a genuinely nice person who always welcomes visitors to her home. We did it when we were married, and she's continued to do so. I've stayed at her home when visiting in the past.

There's zero interest of any further relationship on either of our parts, Hell she's been married for over 20 years. I don't get my GF's being upset at me. She's know my ex for over 30 years as well. She didn't have a lot to do with her over most of that time.

I remain on a friendly basis with most of my ex's I feel that if I loved them enough to marry them why can't we remain friends after the marriage is over. They're still the same person for the most part, as am I.

I don't know, am I unique in this aspect of remaining friends with exes? I'd love to hear from anyone about this.

Love languages redux

My girlfriend took her Love Languages quiz. and her scores are as follows:

Her Scores:

9 Acts of Service

8 Quality Time

8 Receiving Gifts

3 Words of Affirmation

2 Physical Touch

Mine by comparison are:

8 Physical Touch

7 Quality Time

6 Acts of Service

6 Words of Affirmation

3 Receiving Gifts

As you can see there's a great disparity in how we communicate love for one another. With my top being Physical touch, and that being her lowest, is it any wonder why we're having issues in the bedroom?

I really don't know how to deal with this issue. I can do things around the house, I can definitely try to  change my habit and not be on my phone as much. She considers bringing her a cup of coffee as a gift great I can do that.

I can touch her less even though it kills me not to do so. What I can't do, is force her to touch me or even want to touch me.  let alone me touch her.

I'm really beginning to feel that our only recourse is to break up or have a relationship where I can have a FWB with her full knowledge and consent. I don't see that happening however.

Is there any hope for us?

Miscommunications and missed opportunities

This past year I turned 53, and several events have compelled me to look back at my life both professionally and personally, Back in my murky past, and by this I mean high school, that festering cesspool of hormones and learning that we all love to hate, I met a couple of girls who had a big influence on me and my life in general.

The first was a girl (P) I met in my Junior year and we had our ups and downs, getting together and breakups.  Kind of standard fare for those years. She ran into problems in the school we were attending and her parents pulled her out and moved her to another school. There she met a guy who would be her first choice. they too would have their ups and downs and eventually marry, but first she would become my first wife and mother to my twin boys.  Our marriage was good, but ultimately based on both of us settling for less than our first choice in partners. I guess from that perspective it was doomed to failure.

The other girl I met in senior year in high school (let's call her W) was my first choice at the time but ultimately our relationship was doomed to never start let alone doomed to end. This was due I'm finding out neither of us being able to communicate with each other, instead we communicated past each other. Neither of us ever knowing the way we truly felt about each other. I think she was the first woman who I truly felt love for. We dated a couple of times, but it never turned into an exclusive for us for one reason or another lost to the mists of time.

As an example, take senior prom and grad night. I'd originally planned to go with P (who by this time was out of my school and dating the boy who was her first choice) , even though I really wanted to go with W,  who in reality was my first choice. But I was under the impression that W was dating someone else and was thus unavailable to go with me to prom. I recently found out that this was erroneous thinking on my part. By extension, W wanted to go to prom with me, but thought I was going with P by choice. So she went with someone else too. So because neither of of communicated with each other well, we both missed going to prom with the person we really wanted to go with, Each other....  I now wonder what would've become of us if only we'd talked.

W and I would drift through each other's lives over the ensuing years and relationships, never both being single at the same time, missing each other sometimes by years, sometimes by months. My love for her never really faded, but morphed into a good friendship that I felt was fated to be our lot in life. Yet I always had that one regret that we never had a chance to be a couple with all that entails.

There's a lot more to W & I, that may or may not have bearing on the choices I made in life, all again based on the fact that our timing was off  for each being available to each other, and not being effective at communicating with each other. There've been times that I've not been the best friend I could've been, but some of that was due to not knowing what was going on in her life. There's that communications thing again.

We've recently gotten back in touch with each other and I asked her to go someplace that was important to me, that my girlfriend refused to accompany me to. W initially said yes she'd join me, but ultimately was unable to . But we made plans to meet at something else I was going to. This date (and yes it was a date from my perspective) afforded us a great deal of time to talk, to discover things about each other, and just bask in companionship. Both of us are in a similar situation with our respective relationships, contemplating ending them (though in an act of self sacrifice I'm not sure I understand completely she's encouraging me to work on my rocky relationship with my GF) .

If we do end our current relationships with other people, I fully intend to not miss another opportunity to try with her. I have no idea where it would go, and I'm afraid of possibly ruining a great friendship. We're pretty much caught each other up on our pasts, and current situations, including things I'd never told anyone else and she still wants to be around me. that's a big relief to me, because I've done things I'm not proud of and didn't really want to reveal. but she deserved to know who she was  dealing with.  I know I look forward to seeing her each time we get together.

I need to get better at communicating not only with W but other people in my life. It's a skill I'm working on.

Regrets...I've had a few

When we last left our intrepid hero (moi) he shared the good news of his impending fatherhood to the woman he loved more than anyone including his now preggers wife. This post is going to lay bare the depths of my heinous, embarrassing behavior, somethings that to the best of my knowledge is known only by myself and my equally guilty counterpart.

I'm not proud of what I did, quite the opposite, I'm ashamed, and apologize to my ex even though she doesn't know the extent of my failure as a husband. She deserved better than me, and maybe things wouldn't have ended like they did if I'd be more honorable.

Those who read this blog, if in fact there are any may be tempted to stop following me and to that I say I'd be sorry to see you go, even though I don't really know if anyone is out there besides me. I know I have one friend in RL that reads this and in part I had to clear my conscience, and I really didn't want to tell you these things. But you have to know them in order to fully understand me (something I'm striving for).  Please stick with me. I'm hoping to use my Modus Operandi to better understand why I do the things I do. Kind of a mental self examination of patterns of behavior.

Why dear reader would he marry someone he didn't fully love? Good question. My wife and I were two of a kind, we were each other's second choice. It didn't mean we didn't love each other, we did very much. it's just that our true loves had been and were unobtainable, so we settled for each other and hoped for the best.

Now my wife knew that I was going to tell our good news to my heart's desire and despite some minor misgivings, agreed.

My friend was overjoyed on hearing the news. and since we had recently moved to an area not to far from where she lived, she became an occasional visitor/helper to my wife. Her husband traveled a lot on business and so she was left with time on her hands. Time she used to help us get ready for the twins.

Now during this time, shortly after we moved into the new condo, I was showing my friend the new digs. My wife was off with her mother somewhere and wouldn't be home for hours.  Well feelings and nature took their course and in short time we were in my bed and screwing like rabbits. did I feel guilty? Hell yes, but not so much to stop banging each other. We were both hungry for some good sex and so we did.

We continued our affair  up to and past the birth of the babies. She was in the waiting room with our families when I came out with the boys. she took photos etc.... My wife had had a C-section, and thus was rather groggy from anesthesia, and I was going to drive my paramour home and come back to the hospital, but "The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry"  and all that stuff. So I had to go home and change out of scrubs that I wore for the birth into more comfortable clothes, needless to say Once again we wound up in my bed screwing for all it was worth. All I could think about the whole night was how my twin sons should have been ours, not mine and my wife's. Add to the fact that it was her husband's birthday and she chose to be with me during the birth of my kids, rather than with her husband (who she suspected of cheating on her) spoke volumes to the then 20 something me.

Our affair  continued through out the marriage and only really ended when my wife and I divorced two years later when her first choice became available to her. But that is a story for another blog.

In the parlance of the day (TL;DR: I cheated on my pregnant wife even on the night my boys were born.)

Always something there to remind me....

I mentioned in my first post about my burgeoning frustration with my live in GF, and that I'd go into more detail at a later date, that time is now.

I've been living with a woman for the past 6 years whom I'd always considered the love of my my, my first choice, the woman I wanted to be with. there was just one problem; I wasn't hers. When I met her in college many years ago, she was in a long distance relationship with a guy for a few years. they didn't see each other frequently, but her and I would make plans to do something only to have them cancelled at the last minute due him coming down unannounced. It was very frustrating to me and my fault for falling for woman not wholly available to me.

She got pregnant from a guy she met in the gym and married him, blowing me and her LDR BF out of the water. I was devastated. I went my own way and didn't talk to her for several years. I still loved her but lived with the fact that I couldn't be with her.

She was at my first wedding, and we saw each other rarely as couples, her and her husband and me and my wife. When my wife became pregnant a few years later the first person besides family I wanted to tell was her. We hadn't talked in a couple of years.

I found her mom at their old house and met her then 3 year old son, (first was a miscarriage) and her 6 month old newborn son. Her mom was getting ready to move, and if I had waited a few more weeks I might not have been able to find her. This was back pre internet, pre facebook, etc... Her mpm told me where she worked and I went to visit her. I stood there in the store watching her help customers for a while trying to get up the nerve to talk to her.

When I finally did, her face lit up up on seeing me, and for me all the old feelings came back in rush.
She was happy for us. and we began to keep in touch more and more.

Little did I know what awaited me in the very near future....

Jury duty

Today I had to go into Riverside for jury duty. This experience has been enlightening about some aspects of my personality.

I have always self identified as an introvert.  Parties with people I don't know tend to drain me.  People who know me, havd seen me sitting on the side observing rather than being in the center of the action.

But recently I have been much more... I hesitate to use the term outgoing, but more open than usual to starting conversations with total strangers. 

Today for example, while in line waiting to enter the court house,  I struck up a conversation with  a young nursing student &  a guy who works construction.  We all sat together and talked about a lot of things,  and went out to lunch together.  This activity surprised me. Because in the past, and all that distant past, I would have been absorbed in a book, my phone,  what have you...

I don't know if it's subconsciously getting ready for my new job,  my maturity coming through, or just me continuing to do things that scare me.

Whatever the case,  it made what would have been a full boring day a bit more fun.

Love languages

A friend of mine let me know what kind of love language is important to them.  I've heard about love languages before, but never really looked into the idea.

I decided to take a quiz and see where I fell on the scale; my results are below.

In looking at my languages in light of past relationships, I can see where there has been a huge disconnect in the languages I use to communicate and what I think my partners have needed. As this is the first time I have done something like this,  I really have no idea what their  results would be.

I might have to have my current partner take the quiz.

LOVE LANGUAGE PROFILE FOR COUPLES

Your Scores

8	Physical Touch
7	Quality Time
6	Acts of Service
6	Words of Affirmation
3	Receiving Gifts

Your Love Language Personal Profile

Interpreting Your Profile Score

The highest score indicates your primary love language (the highest score is 12). It’s not uncommon to have two high scores, although one language does have a slight edge for most people. That just means two languages are important to you.

The lower scores indicate those languages you seldom use to communicate love and which probably don’t affect you very much on an emotional level. Learn more about your primary love language and how to put it to use next to the corresponding badge below.

Important to Remember

You may have scored more highly on certain love languages than others, but do not dismiss those other languages as insignificant. Your partner may express love in those ways, and it will be helpful to you to understand this about him/her.

In the same way, it will benefit your partner to know your primary love language in order to best express affection for you in ways that you interpret as love. Every time you or your partner speak each other's language, you score emotional points with one another. Of course, this isn't a game with a scorecard! The payoff of speaking each other's love language is a greater sense of connection. This translates into better communication, increased understanding, and, ultimately, improved romance.

If your partner has not already done so, encourage him/her to take The Love Languages Profile. Discuss your respective love languages, and use this insight to improve your relationship!

Physical Touch

This language isn't all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face – they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive. Physical touch fosters a sense of security and belonging in any relationship.

Quality Time

In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, "I love you," like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there – with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby – makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful. Quality Time also means sharing quality conversation and quality activities.

Acts of Service

Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an "Acts of Service" person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: "Let me do that for you." Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don't matter. Finding ways to serve speaks volumes to the recipient of these acts.

Words of Affirmation

Actions don't always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, "I love you," are important – hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten. Kind, encouraging, and positive words are truly life-giving.

Receiving Gifts

Don't mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous – so would the absence of everyday gestures. Gifts are visual representations of love and are treasured greatly.

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Recommended Resource

The 5 Love Languages®

Falling in love is easy. Keeping your relationship healthy and vibrant? That’s more of a challenge—one that takes thought, time, and effort. So how can you keep love alive amid personal conflict, busy schedules, and pressing priorities?

In the #1 New York Times bestselling book, you’ll discover the secret that has already transformed millions of relationships worldwide. Whether your relationship is thriving or on the verge, learning this revolutionary approach to communicating love will help you confidently express (and experience) deeper, and richer, levels of intimacy with your partner starting today.

The 5 Love Languages® reveals intrinsic truths and applies relevant, actionable wisdom in ways that simply work.

“If we learn to meet each other’s deep emotional need to feel loved, and choose to do it, the love we share will be exciting beyond anything we’ve ever felt.” —Gary Chapman